(TW) How can SA ruin your relationships

People don't really talk about the down sides of this, how it can badly affect your relationships entirely. It's not that im excusing a bad behaviour just cus "I was going through alot" or that I want people to pity on me but I wanna be understood.

I was at my breaking point this year, I moved to a new country far away from the only person I felt safe with. My bf. I didn't wanna go back to that place because I had an obsessive ex in that country. One time when I was drunk cus I missed my bf so badly I mistakenly had kiss someone that i thought was my bf then it was my ex. Then since that kiss, I was so fucking afraid he'd tell everyone. I was so afraid ppl would call me a cheater and a sl#t for it. I had to get him to shut up about it but he wanted me to get back with him or else he'd tell I was a cheater. Then I was trapped in that relationship, did things I didn't like at all... I felt more and more shitty each day so when I came back for a month in my hometown, I begged my bf to come with me even though he was busy. Out of desperation to get the hands off my body and memories, I wanted him to erase it.

We fought then to solve the fight I forced myself on him cus I thought he was like *him* for a sec. He ofc defended himself but I ranted to my friends he was the bad guy. Then I got mad cus my friends started to talk bad abt him and I just don't know I got so frustrated.

I don't know what else happened after that I just remember freaking bad memories except for the fact my bf tried to comfort me but yet I was still treating him badly. I started to mix him up with my ex who was still forcing me that time. I couldn't think of any positive shit, it all just ends up in everyone leaving me so I got tired and just like fine go leave but it hurts so much. I miss everyone. I miss my old self who was all abt positivity and relationships before I dumbly let myself get into an abusive relationship. I want the old times so badly and wished that I didn't became so hateful.