should i die

i have depression, eds, neurological problems ect... my mother founded a new family in which i take no place in; father died after leaving me a single note with 1 phrase saying "Hello daughter, it is my 30 attempt of writing you a letter." and debts, i hadnt seen him in 12 years because he was abusing, alcoholic and took drugs. I had so many traumas that i now suffer from amnesia. My ex was so abusive that i keep having nighmares about him. I was harassed in school by both students and professors, i was s.a by said students; i ended up having school phobia. The reason of why i was alive for so long aka my cat, died a very tragic death, having at least 5 seizures a day in the end. Now my life is promissing, i have a bf who loves me and cares for me, i started my studies to become a dog groomer but i just dont know anymore. Everytime i end up alone these thoughts keep coming back, my seizures keep coming back, the pain is never ending. I can't even keep good care of my home and myself anymore. I take so many pills to sleep, everytime i push the line a little more, one day im afraid i will not wake up. I want to die but if i do it i want it to be my choice, for once.

Please someone tell me, will it ever end ? the suffering ? the never ending pain ? the agony of living ? I am only 20 but i just want a break.
Will i ever be truely happy ? How did you guys let go of the past ? i am just a shadow of myself, i am fake, i keep telling everyone everything will turn out great but i do not believe it myself.