Not the best site but I need some advices

In how to move on and be better.

My mental health was really bad this year and I think I relied on my friends too much and more importantly I made them worry so much about me because I always wanted to harm myself. They couldn't take it. I feel bad the most for my younger friends who were really scared they thought I would be gone— because I had try to said my goodbyes to them. I was really planning to end it all because I saw no point in living life if everyone I loved would just abandon me. I stopped because I remembered my friends would be worried and when I tried to go back to them they were done with my mental breakdowns. They pushed me away and it again broke me so I went ahead and did it because these friends no longer cares about me. I didn't think they'd be upset about me choosing to end myself because of that. They say its fake because these are just online friends and I just an attention seeker but I never opened up to them about what I was really going through like many issues such as being SA'ed by your own father and having to still love him. So many things I just wanted to unfold but I didn't want to ruin the vibe of our friendship and keep being depressed. I just wanted to always joke around and be happy with them I never wanted them to worry so much about me to the point it breaks them aswell. I wish i didnt survive that attempt sometimes because now I lost them more when I wanted to prove I wasn't totally using them as just my therapist or to get attention. I really had bond with them and I love them sm but they won't take me back. I just want them back when I'm someone better and good I hope if I just become what they want me to be they'd take me back.