GUYS AM I A WEIRDO!??

Okay, so I love reading dark and psychological yaoi with heavy themes like rape and torture. Not because I enjoy it, I really don’t , but because I like to make myself suffer emotionally. I love crying while reading, especially when the uke suffers a lot and cries a lot. I always find myself sympathizing with them, wanting to hug them, protect them, and just be there for them.
What I really crave is for them to have a happy moment later on, even if it’s with the person who hurt them , but only after heavy redemption. I know it sounds weird, and I want to be clear: I don’t support Stockholm Syndrome or romanticizing abuse. But there’s something about when the abuser truly breaks down, realizes what they’ve done, begs for forgiveness, changes, and starts genuinely yearning for the uke… I don’t know how to explain it. It makes my heart ache in a good way. I guess I just really want to see the victim find happiness and peace, even in the most twisted situations.
I know this might sound strange or even messed up. I’m self-aware of how weird I might be coming off. But I never enjoy the rape scenes , they make me cry. A lot. And I know it’s going to hurt, but that’s why I read them. It’s like I want to go through that emotional pain just to get to the healing part.
I know this is a heavy topic and probably very, very controversial. Y’all can hate me if you want, I get it. But I’d genuinely like to hear your thoughts.