Is b@to gone? + TMI long venting

FEEL FREE TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE, I would love to hear any struggles.

Very embarrassed to share, but this is the only website I can say something and get away with. My smut list is weird, that’s not even it, I have a document of porn plots with links (some are on b@to). It satisfies my curiosity and mind. All of my taboo smut, I have always been disgusted by in real life or after clarity. Weird how psychology works. I hate it but I get turned on by it, but the thought of it happening to someone or me is sickening. If it helps, I have never been in a relationship until a few months ago.

Honestly? TMI but some of my taste comes from personal trauma. It is unhealthy I know, but I don’t bother anyone. I do have a therapist now but I have never spoken of sexual dark fantasies, nor the fact I am bisexual.

I’m a guy, grew up more culturally in China than Russia or U.S. I have good friends, I grew up with older sisters who helped me find my love for cross dressing, and I have a girlfriend outside my ethnicity. More like a best friend, she is not into guys. I searched what the term would fit us, maybe Beard Relationship. My parents aren’t too fond of her, they make subtle comments on her skin tone and style, so I don’t bring my friends around them. She is my only support and I am one of her few support. We go shopping, car ride and music, we have a lot of fun embarrassing each other, and talking shit about the world. Occasionally our other friends would join us.

I haven’t been able to go out as much, my mom is sick and diagnosed with Kidney Disease not long ago, my dad is out and about, and more. I have great academic pressure to pass med. I heavily rely on reading BL or other stories (Greatest Estate Developer is my current laughter pill, fucking Lloyd and his expressions) for a little break.

Both sides of my family are very homophobic and narrow minded. I am closeted, I am horny, I am a virgin. Never tried meeting up with any men because I fear a hateful land, I fell for my own sex that bullied me throughout my first US education. I self studied a lot when I needed to make up for poor attendance. This account is mainly for BL reading. I have maybe a few straight porn comics, majority being man on man.

I hope b@to won’t be gone, a lot of the good smut is there. And for anyone a bit concerned, I am very self aware and I won’t be a loser forever. My parents are getting old, they are in their 60s, had me in their early 40s, someday they would have their funeral thinking I carried on their bloodline (Not a complete lie. I really will if my future partner I love is a woman).