Anyone else aro/ace

Ive came out a bajillion of times from bi to pan to lesbian and then queer. And I always knew I was asexual. I hate labels so much but its the only way I can explain to people that Im not straight. Anyways, I love women so much and my ex was my very first girlfriend. Its actually a cannon event/curse that your first wlw experience will be traumatizing. I realized in that relationship that I didn’t actually love like a typical person. Tbh I just wanted a strong platonic friendship where Im actually the first to be chosen. But i was constantly put into sexual situations and I hated myself so much I became extremely depressed (I talked to her about it once and she got mad at me). I also didn’t even want to make out all the time but it was skinship that she needed and I knew if we stopped it would hurt her. I love reading bl, gl, straight romance since forever and I even play otome games but just thinking about myself irl experiencing romance is so disgusting. I recently got betrayed by my first ever close male friend because he started to make it way too obvious that he liked me in a not platonic way, calling me cute randomly numerous times and straight up asking me if I liked him and plays it off as a joke that Im rejecting him. I didn’t even know how to react so I just nervously laughed and try to change the topic but he kept going back to it. I wanna die actually, I hate people and I hate how romantically enslaved the world is to romantic relationship. Leave me the fuck alone.