Really sick of this

So sick of going to school and having to be around people where I cant tell if they like me half the time. Always felt like abit of an outsider my whole life anyways but holy fuck, this is just a new level. I know like two of them who i know are alright with me. Ive tried and tried to connect with them and it just isn't happening. Im not expecting us to be best buds, just dont want to feel left out and just be standing around during conversations.

I also lost a good friend of several years bc they didnt like my personality (valid. I dont expect everyone to like me.) But it made having to be around her (mutual friends)and having to interact with her makes me spiral alittle bit because if she didnt like me and was just pretending (albeit very badly) for months, what about everyone else.

Its also making me have like 'bad' thoughts, which aren't like really anything violent its more stuff I think in reactions to what she's said or about appearance. Which I dont like and I try to shut down whenever I think it but it just keeps happening. Makes me feel like a bad person bc its rude stuff I wouldn't think about others and wouldn't want others to think about me, it makes me feel icky.

I dont think ive ever been this bad mentally like this. Im like slowly coming out of this but god??? I really really miss my old friends at my other school. Wouldn't go back bc this school's workload is better for me and it has more resources but fuck man. I literally dont know why its affecting me so much because im not even planning on talking to most of them after this year anyways. I dont really dislike any of them its just we are too different like lifestyle (?) Wise, they drink alot, vape, and smoke and the way we think too.