The struggle of not projecting yourself onto fiction

I always had this issue, ever since I was a child. I could never enjoy a piece of fiction if i could not relate to it or want something it offers. When I read Matilda I saw how our experiences and personalities were the same, minus the telekinesis hah. Even now as an adult I struggle with reading fiction without projecting or comparing myself to some aspect of the characters or their relationship. It’s embarrassing to admit but even silly things like thinking oh this bl character has a better body than me (even tho I’m not even a guy and their bodies aren’t realistic that’s the point of erotic fiction). Or I would yearn for that type of relationship they have, the mutual obsession, reliability, true love, great sex/physical compatibility etc. and I get envious and start thinking childish thoughts like why can’t my body be this smooth and empty of any flaws or blemishes? Why am i medium boned and not petite like others my height? Why do i have stretch marks and flaws that are either difficult/expensive to fix or just basically permanent…why isn’t there someone in my life who acts like these characters and crushes and pines for me and wants my attention and why can’t I have the ‘our sunny days’ soulmate bond.

If you think my projection and envy of male characters is bad, imagine what it’s like with female MCs! Since we’re the same gender, female MCs trigger this self comparison in me even more. I can rarely pick up a straight romance because of this. Especially anime… every female MC has this cherub-like face and is so doll-like and delicate especially compared to her love interest which makes it hard for e to relate to any straight romances or imagine myself in their position when i look like an entirely different species. And the fiction I normally read comes from countries that don’t really appreciate different aesthetics you know? I never see a FMC with curls or a regular frame or any qualities that are less that ideal and i have internalised it so badly that I feel like a creature and can’t imagine myself ever being adored in this vessel. Even though I’m “conventionally attractive” I also feel like a hammer that sticks out and the fiction i consume and the way in which I consume it isn’t the healthiest. I try to tell myself “this isn”t about you! It’s their romance, don’t compare and just enjoy their story and dynamic while detaching yourself” but it’s a struggle.

I say all of this but I never leave my room, how do i expect to have any cool experiences when I’m spending my twenties bedrotting and not even interacting with men and then being surprised I have no romantic prospects cause my life is kindle, manga/manhwa and coffee in bed.

I need to get my life together guys. This introverted thing is not only hindering my social life but affecting the way I consume fiction. I can rarely enjoy a manga or any story for what it is without projecting myself onto a character nd comparing myself to them either physically or of the love and affection they receive. Anyway this was the lamest thing i ever posted damn talk about a wet blanket I sound like a shlocken.