How do I heal

Okay honestly let me just bluntly get straight to the point. Lwk, ever since I was a child, I’ve always been depended on the internet because of how much people relate to ts. But when I finally spoke up how I don’t wanna get abused or speak about the trauma I faced in my whole life (especially with my fam), we all decided to take a step to forgive about the past and move on to make things better.. But I don’t think anything will get better. I feel like my family nor anyone want some me anymore, and I feel like I’m useless. It’s an unhealthy thing, but whenever I want to express my emotion- I just stay silent or just fckin crash out because I have mixed emotions. (Dune to heavy judgement and mental health in the past). And I feel like I can’t express how I feel nowadays. And now, I’m more violent due to how everyone thinks it’s “so easy to heal and process” like they didn’t give a fck how I was hurting long ago. I still hold a grudge, and I feel like I’m so ungrateful but I need to do smth. Family is too religious that it comes for the fact that “i don’t need need therapy” EVEN THO THEY WANT ME TO TALK THINGS OUT. Like seriously, it comes for the fact I hate everyone in general. And whenever I talk about the past, they always blame ME Andy saying it’s MY fault I put those ‘trauma’ onto myself even tho I was the victim. Like fckin gosh, I hate for who I am. Can someone help me out? (Sorry for bad rant, but in the end, I’m always good at typing my feelings out, but not talking it out, yk?) (╬￣皿￣)凸