A reason to write ?

i've been making this story revolving around how grief shape a person and cycle of pain. thing is im not sure on what to make the main character gender as. i came from a VERY religious family and country.

my GF and closest friend knew my hobby of reading BL and wanting to write one if i ever given the chance to.

i've compiled all the plot point, character and dialogue but i just cant put it together, i know how a scene will go, i know what my character will say but i dont have any power to put it into word