I'm sorry

I feel like my heart is being crushed. It feels like I'm vibrating with shame and guilt. Like it's trying to leak out to everyone and holding it in is just too painful. Everything I do, I feel like I'm wrong. Whether it's to express happiness or sadness, I feel shame when I speak. I feel like I have to apologize after everything I say because it's coming from this disgusting mouth. This disgusting mouth that drank starry instead of waiting for sprite like a good boy. I hope alpha-san still loves me if he finds out. I doubt someone could love someone so disgusting. A starry drinker? Repulsive. Let alone drinking it when I should've waited for my reward from my dom alpha-hyung-san (alpha-san for short). I don't know if I can tell him when I see him again. Will he ever call me a good boy again once he knows the truth? or will he ditch me and I'll be forced to drink starry alone forever. I couldn't go on without dom alpha-hyung-san. He hasn't marked me yet- or i guess I shouldn't say yet anymore... because he might leave me. But anyway, hah... we're waiting for marriage. But what if that never comes because he thinks i'd be satisfied with starry? I can't tell him the truth. It'd break us. A starry suckler loser doesn't deserve alpha-san. but i cant let go ╥﹏╥