Gooning

whenever I try to goon, it feels like I'm getting violated, like I'm getting raped. Then I actually go through with it (the gooning) and it makes so sad I self harm, and the cycle starts all over again. Goon-self harm- stop gooning for a while-goon-self harm
It wasn't like this before, started last year I think. I'm wondering if other people have this experience as well?