Body dysmorphia is a prison I can never escape, it torments me like a demon that I can't exorcise as if it's bounded to my soul for years. I do notice the change in my body ever since graduation, I was told that I look slimmer than before but in my eyes It's not thin enough.
I hate to admit it but it does affect me everyday, my thoughts and how I percieve others, comparing myself to the thinner women in my life and on the internet, having high yet low expectations for love, and struggling with self-acceptance. I can't help but look in a mirror everytime I go out knowing how I'd feel after is a gamble.
I do try to remind myself I am more than my body, my friends don't care about how I look and that romance will find me for my true authentic self. Also I was told that it's an actual mental health issue somewhere in OCD, I genuinely thought this was (kinda) normal.
Aw :( Maybe this was just a cry to the abyss kind of thing u needed to get off your chest but I’ll reply because life is too short to spend it alone. I used to feel like this sometimes . I’m now almost 30 so I’ve come a long long way. I still wouldn’t mind being stick thin as an aesthetic choice but it doesn’t matter as much anymore - I could die never achieving it and not care too much.
What helped me was this: - Drawing characters: (or some other creative outlet) you’ll always be your own most reliable model. Slowly features of yourself creep into the drawings/art. Make your favourites carry a part of you and suddenly you’re romanticising yourself - as you are. I love my little Ocs so I almost pavlov’s dog’d myself into liking my own features because I grew to associate them with my favourite characters :). Maybe it helped me deal with some internalised racism too!
- I got fat! This is sometimes out of your control but I put on a lot of weight when I finally broke down (I’d starved too long and my body went into scavenger mode); I wasn’t even that fat but I was bigger than before and I’d surpassed my own threshold for ‘unforgivable’ and when that happened it’s like the worst has already been done and guess what… life went on! Nothing changed. The thing I’d feared the most wasn’t even that big a deal! Kind of hard to care as much after that although took some time of course
- Make something else your God - the body has become Your God. You judge others based on their bodies, you judge yourself on your body, and when you go out what do you check? What’s so important? The mirror - the body. You have to train yourself to value something more important than the body. Find idols, find inspiration, and ideally find idols who don’t care/don’t have great bodies: collect them and try to achieve things and emulate them rather than somebody who you admire only for their body. You basically need to train yourself to value things as much and eventually MORE than the body. It’s just a vessel. Nobody remembers that part of you but they will remember what you did and how you behaved. An example for me is Guillermo del toro - I respect him for his creativity, his character designs his art: not his physical appearance
- Remind yourself daily of your values/standards - I know affirmations are cringe but they can work. This will be highly specific to you. For me I’ve always had a deep-seated dislike for waste; wasted food, plastic waste, etc. So when I was bulimic I would be absolutely disgusted with myself for wasting food when others were starving - so when I’d ‘fail’ the little body dysmorphia demands (eg uh oh you ate too much cake and now you must vomit) I could live with myself when I chose not to vomit because I’d rationalise it that I actually made a good and moral decision by NOT wasting food. Looking back, I guess I was just subconsciously breaking down the compulsion pattern by undermining the need for it.
But yeah you’re not alone. Things get better. There’ll be a time when it doesn’t matter at all and you’ll be at peace. You just need to let it! You can always be in control - just takes a while to realise that :)
Ngl as someone on the curvy side, Imma be real, I like to think there are fat people, there are thin people, they are average weight people they all be living, and they're all still people... What matters if I have a bit of extra boob meat or smth ⁽⁽(੭ꐦ •Д• )੭*⁾⁾ so the people twenty pounds heavier than me they just deserve to die now lol? No... And that helps a lot.
And it works for all sorts of shit too. I feel like a lot of self-improvement/mental health focuses a lot on self-improvement, but for stuff like this it's like... There be others who are the same, what be their value if you diminish yours. Dunno if that makes any sense. But i hope shit goes well for you (ฅ⁍◊⁍)و
Messages
Aw :(
Maybe this was just a cry to the abyss kind of thing u needed to get off your chest but I’ll reply because life is too short to spend it alone. I used to feel like this sometimes
. I’m now almost 30 so I’ve come a long long way. I still wouldn’t mind being stick thin as an aesthetic choice but it doesn’t matter as much anymore - I could die never achieving it and not care too much.
What helped me was this:
- Drawing characters: (or some other creative outlet) you’ll always be your own most reliable model. Slowly features of yourself creep into the drawings/art. Make your favourites carry a part of you and suddenly you’re romanticising yourself - as you are. I love my little Ocs so I almost pavlov’s dog’d myself into liking my own features because I grew to associate them with my favourite characters :). Maybe it helped me deal with some internalised racism too!
- I got fat! This is sometimes out of your control but I put on a lot of weight when I finally broke down (I’d starved too long and my body went into scavenger mode); I wasn’t even that fat but I was bigger than before and I’d surpassed my own threshold for ‘unforgivable’ and when that happened it’s like the worst has already been done and guess what… life went on! Nothing changed. The thing I’d feared the most wasn’t even that big a deal! Kind of hard to care as much after that although took some time of course
- Make something else your God - the body has become Your God. You judge others based on their bodies, you judge yourself on your body, and when you go out what do you check? What’s so important? The mirror - the body. You have to train yourself to value something more important than the body. Find idols, find inspiration, and ideally find idols who don’t care/don’t have great bodies: collect them and try to achieve things and emulate them rather than somebody who you admire only for their body. You basically need to train yourself to value things as much and eventually MORE than the body. It’s just a vessel. Nobody remembers that part of you but they will remember what you did and how you behaved. An example for me is Guillermo del toro - I respect him for his creativity, his character designs his art: not his physical appearance
- Remind yourself daily of your values/standards - I know affirmations are cringe but they can work. This will be highly specific to you. For me I’ve always had a deep-seated dislike for waste; wasted food, plastic waste, etc. So when I was bulimic I would be absolutely disgusted with myself for wasting food when others were starving - so when I’d ‘fail’ the little body dysmorphia demands (eg uh oh you ate too much cake and now you must vomit) I could live with myself when I chose not to vomit because I’d rationalise it that I actually made a good and moral decision by NOT wasting food. Looking back, I guess I was just subconsciously breaking down the compulsion pattern by undermining the need for it.
But yeah you’re not alone. Things get better. There’ll be a time when it doesn’t matter at all and you’ll be at peace. You just need to let it! You can always be in control - just takes a while to realise that :)
Ngl as someone on the curvy side, Imma be real, I like to think there are fat people, there are thin people, they are average weight people they all be living, and they're all still people... What matters if I have a bit of extra boob meat or smth ⁽⁽(੭ꐦ •Д• )੭*⁾⁾ so the people twenty pounds heavier than me they just deserve to die now lol? No... And that helps a lot.
And it works for all sorts of shit too. I feel like a lot of self-improvement/mental health focuses a lot on self-improvement, but for stuff like this it's like... There be others who are the same, what be their value if you diminish yours. Dunno if that makes any sense. But i hope shit goes well for you (ฅ⁍◊⁍)و
I wrote a whole long reply but this is way simpler and way more constructive than min hahaha! - I love this answer and fully agree!
Icl that shii jumpscares me