Vaginatittysprinkles's Things

I have a narcissistic mom with 0 empathy so she doesn't care about our feelings and will never understand us and only thinks about her own feelings and hijacks every argument into her own hurt feelings no matter how crazy my sister gets whenever we argue. There are times she's held a knife and tried to hurt herself when arguing and I scratched my neck and skin when I started crying because she pissed me off and all she did was looked at me with no emotion.

Recently I'm trying to pick up the behavior of not arguing back with her or giving her the cold shoulder because I was told that's what you should do to narcissists who provoke you. But... my eldest sister has a big sense of jutice so she keeps feeding gasoline to the fire and it just turns into an endless loop of fighting and my mother trying to make a "point" with her feelings.

I know eldest daughters have a baggage I won't ever carry or feel, but being in the middle of both of them is so draining... I have to go through my sister's episodes and try to help her not hurt herself and keep her on her feet and hold myself back from my mom's harsh words which she deems as harmless. I'm just getting tired of this loop but she just keeps feeding into it. I told her many times to stop.. but everytime she says she needs to let it out or else she'll explode and at this point or worse she fights me back as if this is her fight... sometimes I can't even jump in because it feels like I don't have the right to as my mom doesn't see me as important because she relies on my sister too much and I don't suffer enough like my sister.. like maybe I have to easier than everyone else.

Now I'm thinking should I just leave them be? It feels like I'm not any important to them or make any significance in the family and she just includes me in their argument so I won't feel left out, but what if she secretly believes she's the only one suffering?

I consider myself not the ordinary, I don't really see myself in mainstream spaces with the usual folks. I always see trends, new/ trending products and expensive items as a trap for ppl to consume and feed capitalism. My biggest worry is that I'm not very knowledgable with politics but I do very much hate our government.. I don't do big essays about the government, There's absolutely nothing I have done that is impactful for this generation that speaks out about our government, I can't attend protests (for my safety and mostly travel expenses) but I still stand for what they're protesting for.

It feels like I'm just folowing like a sheep because sometimes I just follow what my college classmates are doing when it comes to school work bcs I have no idea what we should be doing bcs our profs suck and I'm hk going through things and sometimes lazy so I dont take responsibility for organizations or anything TT and tbh college is a scam, it isn't for me and it's just a tactic made by the government but I still go to it anyway so I don't worry my family so I'm not really academically inclined.

My high-school classmates actually made me open minded that people can be different, they also made me more aware of our corrupted government.

I've also picked up projects like my diy flared jeans and rediscovered the fun of thrifting, I also do art and etc. But I don't smoke, go to parties, have dyed hair or facial peircings that kind of stuff but I want to go out and have fun but I'm kind of a shut in tbh and bcs I don't do any of those it feels like I can't be one of them.

Its like I'm too normal for the alt community but too weird for the non-alts.

Fashion wise, I want to dress different and want to embrace the feeling of being different instead of feeling ashamed of it (sometimes its hard), one time my sister called me alt but I didn't fully embrace it because what if I'm actually just a poser?

The reason why I changed is not from alt trends, I just saw my classmates dressing up and that's when I realized that's what I wanted to do and ever since then I just.. changed.

I went from repeated clothes, wearing the same white shorts for years, no accessories, embracing my "tomboy" nature, no make up into someone with a packed closet, dark eyeshadows, smudged smokey eye, diy painted shirts and pants and tbh I'm starting to embrace and treasure my interests more than ever.

I don't want to just say "I'm alt" because it feels like I'm a poser, but I can't help but see that my preferences and tastes aren't the ordinary and that I'm different.

Maybe being true "alt" is embracing that you're not the ordinary, and not just saying you're alt to brag about it/to look cool.

(I also took a test asking if I'm a poser and the results said I'm somewhat a Poser )

How do you deal with narcissistic people? ( especially if they're your parent)