I lost my bsf bc of d//gs

first of all, lemme explain smthing, this isn't some fictional story, novel, fairy tale, or anything like that. this is something i have actually experienced in rl, and my reason for sharing it here on mangago is to hopefully give people a reminder or teach them a lesson. don't take your friends who always seem happy around you for granted. check up on 'em, pay attention to how theyr really doing, and listen when they open up abt their problems. if they have a hard time trusting you, reassure them that you won't judge them or criticize them over things they don't deserve to be criticized for.

so yeah, ive mentioned before that i have a friend who's diagnosed with residual schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and depression. we've been friends for seven years, and i genuinely love her, but for now, i've had to distance myself from her for some reasons i explained in my previous experience post.

i actually have two other friends, so the four of us used to be a lil friend group, or a circle. i wanna talk abt one of them, who unfortunately passed away two years ago due to a dr//g overdose. (RIP)

we all lived in the same apart, but in separate rooms. she was the goofy one in our group, always cracking jokes, doing stupid shit, and finding ways to make everyone laugh. she was probably the most cheerful one out of all of us. but sometimes, she'd suddenly crashout or become really difficult to deal with. she could be stubborn as hell too. that's honestly what started getting on my nerves and made me gradually distance myself from her. whenever she lashed out or said hurtful things, my friend with schizophrenia would sometimes start overthinking things and even experience hallucinations.

eventually, she moved out, dropped out of school, and we lost contact for about one years. when we finally got back in touch, i started noticing that something was seriously off. i suspected she was using dr//gs bc she often seemed completely out of it whenever we talked, and she'd gotten incredibly skinny, almost like she wasn't taking care of herself at all, even though she wasn't homeless or anything.

some time later, she ended up moving in with me and my friend who has schizophrenia. at first, everything seemed to be going pretty smoothly, but eventually, i started getting pissed off bc she kept using dr//gs inside room, and it was honestly becoming unbearable. i also found out that she was dealing dr//gs. things eventually got so bad that i had no choice but to kick her out. my other friend was getting scared of her, too, so i felt like i couldn't let things go on like dat.

she actually reached out to me for help at one point, but by then, i was already so frustrated with her that i still went through with kicking her out. just two weeks later, she was found de*d in an abandoned house due to an overdose.

at first, my reaction was basically, "i fucking told you to stop doing that." but my perspective completely changed when her nephew told me about her past. apparently, she'd been through some really dark shi, lost people she deeply cared abt, and had a lot of trauma that i probably shouldn't get into here.

the thing is, she'd kept all of that to herself. she was always laughing and acting goofy around her friends because she ain't wanna overshare or risk getting a shitty response. she didn't want anyone to know how much she was actually struggling, so she kept everything bottled up and ended up turning to unhealthy ways of coping. the only thing she'd ever really complained about was how exhausting it was to constantly be criticized when all she wanted was a little empathy.

and that's when it finally hit me. i started to understand why she'd never wanted to open up about what she was going through. i felt fucking terrible. i'd failed her as a friend. i wasn't attentive enough, and i never noticed what was really going on beneath all those jokes and laughs. i should've approached her differently, asked her what was wrong instead of immediately assuming the worst, and actually tried to understand her.

i regret the way i handled things so much. ever since then, i've been trying to become a better person and, more importantly, a better friend. i wanna be the kind of friend who actually listens instead of constantly judging people or jumping to conclusions. but honestly, i don't think i'm mentally strong enough to handle everything just yet, especially since i've also been told that i failed to understand my friend with schizophrenia.

i'm tryna, tho. i just wish i'd realized all of this sooner.