It just my rambling because I can't think anywhere to let go all my feeling

I afraid if you got bored with me or feel annoyed with my ramble so please stop here

Okay I keep on thinking if I should go to therapy or something cause I keep wishing myself to d1ē or even thinking how to hurt myself. But at the same time I afraid to die. I wanna do so many thing but again I afraid to get out my comfort zone to try it. I tend to jump from high place starting from my cupboard to my roof. I thought it was normal since I have this kind of thought since like 7 yo but when I scroll on TikTok many people claim it a very dangerous red flag.
Yeah it obvious but my brain doesn't want to accept the fact cause ughh maybe because my brain have a very late development as I live my life. I do need therapy cause this is not a place for my fking ramble on what in my brain but Im sorry I don't have enough money to go to therapy yet. Please forgive me. I find it amusing how people still remember most of their childhood. Yeah how do you remember them. Mine is foggy as hell I just remember some part that a bit terrible in my life. I think. Idk. Again sorry if you read till this far.