Sheesh

I found this manga when i was in middle school, so to actually finish the story and really understand the characters means a lot to me. I found this during a tough time in my childhood, back when i was in a similar situation to Jeremy himself. I’m a survivor of CSA, and though i had no business reading something as intense as this or anything else on this site, i felt oddly comforted by Jeremy when i was younger. Though i could not fully understand why at the time.

I had only stumbled across it by accident at first, only browsing for yaoi or bl mangas. And then after i lost it(i owned a janky tablet that my perpetrator gifted me) i tried searching for it again. I hadnt even gotten far in the story, but i always reread the beginning up to about some chapters before chp20. I never went past that, and i think part of me always knew why, i just never fully realized it or wanted to admit that i was a “jeremy” myself. It wasnt until i reached highschool after my perpetrator was caught and imprisoned that i sought it out to try and read again. And everytime i found it i would get further in the story and drop it. I kept rereading the story and going past what i left off on and left it alone again, i did this for yrs and was never consistent in reading it. Its now two yrs after ive graduated and dropped it and picked it up again that ive finally finished reading through this story.

Ever since then I’ve been able to process what i actually went through, and as i read the story i caught parts of myself that i saw in Jeremy. It was nearly down to a T, except for the more extreme abuse and the incest. Unfortunately even the mother part, not where she dies, but in the way that she knew as well but kept quiet about it against her better judgement. Even in scenes where Jeremy talks to his therapist i could relate to, except he kept seeing his and i stopped since it was only required i visit one for a yr after the whole ordeal. I also had near nothing to say during those sessions and just felt more cornered. I didn’t want to keep seeing a therapist after the required amount, and i also didnt want to weigh my mother more since the sessions costed money and she was tight on funds after the whole ordeal.

I cant help but feel like Jeremy is a comfort character for me. Even after everything that he had been through. Itd probably seem sad and weird to anyone else out there, but reading Jeremy’s story gave me strength in my situation. Because he made me realize I wasn’t alone. And i know that sounds sad but im thankful for him and his story and that i found him at the time i did.

I always felt cut off and alone when i was being groomed, and it felt worst because people knew about my situation but didn’t do anything about it. Not until it started to affect other people and finally get to the point where they could actually be put behind bars. I still feel a bit of resentment towards those who turned a blind eye, including my mother. And when its revealed Sandra knew, i could feel and understand Jermey’s pain, but unlike him i had to live with the fact that my mother knew and didn’t do anything about it for years.

I still think about those days where I’d be trapped and wait out the hr after school so painfully and hoping waiting for my brother to get home so i could feel safe again. He had after school activities and my mom had work while i was stuck with my abuser after they picked me up from school. Im more aware of what happened to me now, and have been processing it in my own way, I even WANT to find a therapist to help me sort through my trauma and issues. However, my abuser was released earlier this year, about four months ago i think. I never felt so terrified in my life when i heard the news, and my mother was the one to tell me. I thought that even after all this time she’d have the tact to not mention it to me. Im now “grown up” but i dont think my mother has ever fully realized how much it affected me or still manages to affect me to this day. And some things that happened within the pst few months made my resentment begin to resurface and memories that i wanted to fade reappear. I learned that my mother actually had depression and thats what made it harder for her to come forward and say anything, but i still think about how differently things could’ve gone if one of us said something. Actually stopped pretending like everything was fine and look out for ourselves instead of worrying about what other people might think.

I’m fine for now, I’ll finally be moving out this coming year and will be able to escape the city and everything, mentally and physically.

As for the ending, i think for me and Jeremy: for as long ago as the events occurred we are still trying to heal and fully grow into the people we used to be and want to become. I’m glad he didn’t end up with Ian in the end, because as much as Ian tried to help. I feel like he did more harm than good in the beginning and after he learned the truth and treated Jeremy violently. It wouldn’t have been satisfying if they’d ended up together, as it always seems like a cycle of Ian doubting Jeremy’s “love” and Jeremy recalling painful memories only to be put through worst when he has episodes and Ian gets angered by them.

Needless to say, i think I’ve also developed Jeremy’s concept of “love”. Though he has now come to accept things as they are and is trying to see the better side of things after their conversation about what love was or could be. I still struggle with it. I still to this day have not been able to manage to tell my mother i love her on my own. I always try to in my own way, because i feel like the words and just saying it hold no meaning to them anymore. I rather, express it than say it. And i know she doubts me for it, Because she always has to ask.

Jeremy has been the only character ive related to in this way and i find comfort in him and his ending. The journey was painful, but im now glad and happy to see him healing and meeting people and people being there to support him if he ever needs it. This story will always hold a special place in my heart, and I’ll never forget it.