I feel people who really dont know how BDSM really works.
Me and my partner are in a d/s relationship for 4 years, and just a few months ago there was a conflict that nearly put our relationship in jeopardy until we set formal boundaries. And we also tried a lot of new things.
We talked it out and told what we wanted. A lot of trust plus communication and boundaries.
Not only that, not every bdsm story or relationship its going to be sunshine and rainbows. Theres going to be a lot of ups and downs.
Ur absolutely right. specially im the beginning stages where u dont know each other limits very well, or even preferences, sexual and non-sexual. Communication in this relationships is the most important thing. Its very rare to even find manhwa that actually portrait a D/S or S/M accurately. It is not sunshine and rainbows but its also not abuse. Also from what the manhwa said, the sub did not say he raped. He stayed silent. No wonder the dom thought he cheated. Was it a good reaction? No. Do i understand the anger? Absolutely. At this point idk wat ppl expected from the dom when he was literaly "taught" by the sub to be this explosive. Ima stick until the end but i think ik wat will happend
Yeah, the manhwa or shows never really show how those things work, so people get influenced by it and think that's how it is.
I really appreciate your comment! And I'm also glad that you and your partner were able to get through that rough spot together and come out with more trust and support on the other side.
I agree that a lot of people here on this site don't really know what a BDSM dynamic or relationships in the kink scene entail in the real world. Like I've seen some of the most toxic couples who practiced BDSM/kink perfectly on paper and I've seen some very healthy bonds do some very unsafe things as they were learning.
I spoke on a panel last year talking about long-time life in the scene and the thing that people were struggling the most to wrap their heads around was negotiation and consent. Negotiation and consent ARE complicated and they require both trust and understanding risk. They also require understanding that not everyone does the most right or healthiest or most consent-forward thing all of the time every single scene.
I did a scene two weekends ago with a very close friend of mine where we didn't negotiate details at all beforehand. We've played before so she knows my likes and limits, we've been friends for years, and we did do a small check in about physical and mental space before we started but I basically put all my trust in her with very little communication on the details of the scene. She's someone who I often risk pushing my boundaries for to get her approval/ praise, it's literally been a part of our relationship that I've been working to unlearn because I know it's a me thing. So not negotiating before a scene put me at risk of letting her push me too far. But she also trusts me, too. She trusts me to take care of myself, she trusts me to hold her accountable, and she trusts me to let myself let go when I know I'm safe. And I did. I knew how to advocate for myself and called yellow when I needed to. I let myself let go and feel safe within my lack of control. And I DID push my limits because I wanted her to be proud of me and I also let aftercare get cut short because of our conflicting needs. But that was on me, not her.
Idk...it just feels like consent purity culture really wants to shame people for simple human complications. But that does nothing to help people learn how to navigate consent discussions because then they're just spending so much time stressing out wondering if they didn't do it right or don't feel like they can forget something or make a mistake or spiral if they unintentionally crossed a line they didn't know about. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, for sure. People deserve to know that they don't need to do everything perfectly to practice safe and consensual bdsm/ kink. They just need to do their best and let others do the same, without judgment, while they're learning.
I'm probably in the minority here but I actually really like how this story is going. A service top who only got started domming for the person he likes and a brat who doesn't realize that he's using his bratty behavior as armor to protect himself who are both in their young 20's, figuring things out in incredibly messy ways, is so compelling to me. It hurts and it's not easy to read but I really like reading flawed characters reacting poorly and miscommunicating in realistic ways. ESPECIALLY when there are facets of their relationship that are very grey, personal, and nuanced like a BDSM/ kink dynamic.
My heart breaks for both of them rn. The fact that the sub lied bc he was afraid the truth would hurt his bf/ didn't want to face what really happened is a very common trauma response for people who were sexually assaulted. The fact that the Dom didn't trust him and reacted so angrily and coldly in the way that the bratty sub "trained" him to makes sense. The fact that the sub broke down because he saw how much he actually hurt his bf and got dropped into the stages of grief head first absolutely makes sense. The fact that the Dom kicked the sub out because he felt betrayed and was lied to which made him decide he couldn't handle being "toyed" with by the sub anymore absolutely makes sense. I don't blame either of them. This is all so messy but not in any way that's malicious. They're both hurting and acting in accordance to their own pain, trauma, established role in the relationship, and the knowledge they have at the time. It's really heavy but it's also really real. I don't say any of that to defend any of their actions, just to say I understand them.
If y'all want a fluffy and smutty bdsm story with little to no conflict, that's so valid. I also would love more stories like that. But just because this story has complex conflict AND has BDSM/ kink as a big factor in the narrative, it doesn't mean this is a bad BDSM story OR a bad representation of BDSM/ kink. I honestly think this is quite a good representation of kink within the context of the story. Like, showing people how kink can clash with hurt personal feelings is so valuable. I can't tell you how many times I've consented to something in a scene because I thought I was okay with it when we negotiated, felt not great about it during the scene but powered through because of my own internal stuff and then realized afterwards how much that thing hurt me. But that hurt wasn't my domme's fault, not at all. It wasn't my fault either. It was just something that happened, because me and my domme are both people with flaws and many emotions who are just doing our best. But this is where things like RACK and PRICK come into play. And the FRIES acronym for consent. This is also where consent purity culture can become really harmful, when people start trying to blame or judge or project all over someone else's dynamic.
There's so much more I want to talk about here because people who practice BDSM are flawed and have trauma and miscommunicate and make mistakes and take things personally, like every other human on this planet. There is no way for anyone to perfectly engage in kink, that's literally impossible. But seeing two characters practice the kink acts themselves in fairly accurate and safely depicted ways while having problems with their dynamic/ communication/ internal emotional pain is something I'm glad to see. I hope the author is aiming for a "A Terrible Romance" kind of arc because I think this will be a masterpiece if so.