Compton is so well written, sorry I like to babble I wrote this on the car

Ah my so very flawed Crumpet so clearly clings on ‘The Knife’ Heejae as if it’s a lifeline. Well it is true in his case since Crouton bases his whole life mission on opposing Heejae: quitting piano, creating his own agency, convincing other students to leave all to prove that Heejae’s very soul is wrong. He may seem diametrically opposed to Heejae’s teachings by being a supportive conductor whose role is help guide an ochestra rather than take center stage overwhelming the ensemble like Heejae while positioning himself as a friendly and relatable mentor figure but ironically both Compton and Heejae aim for the same purpose. They are both chasing a shadow of someone. For the professor its the manager and for the conductor its Heejae himself. Its only the wrapping that differs as Heejae wants to appear as the knife as a defense mechanism for his abandonment issues while Compton is compulsively people pleasing and manipulative as to never appear as the bad guy due to his trauma of Heejae’s pride in being a knife, carving the soul out of his students. Compton despises the pain inflicted by Heejae but because Compton only saw Heejae’s abrasive side he doesn’t understand anything beyond that because Heejae never allowed him to left chasing after his own image of Heejae that can never be reconciled with the human Heejae who loves Garam. But hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is and Compton is anything but indifferent. He so deeply wants to prove Heejae wrong, to keep him as a lonely knife that can only care for music by driving away his students just like how Heejae drove him away because if Heejae is able to love then why didn’t he love Compton. Was he not good enough? He’s so insecure but tries so hard to project confidence because he never truly recovered from Heejae’s abuse. He just wants to appear that way, to gain control of others so he can have some semblance of control over his own heart. I love the author so much because they so delicately depict how different people may react to similar traumatic events; some spiral for a long time then find their peace like Walter, others may pick themselves up gradually in the background while trying to continue their normal life like Yerim, while Compton pretends he never needed to recover therefore he never did.

Now he faces his hardest obstacle yet that goes against everything he’s ever believed in: Garam’s love. Someone who can love the professor despite, or in Garam’s case because of the professor’s lonely, prickly nature that manifests as a knife to push away people. Where he would usually acts gently supportive now he forcefully comes onto Garam, pushing him to break just like the old Heejae just to achieve his goal of chasing after his Heejae, ‘The Knife.’ He would use his own body, his symphony players, even become the person he despises yet yearns for to convince Garam to leave all to satisfy that he was right. That the professor is incapable of love. He’s forever stuck in the past and fiercely tries to keep it that way as to validate his feelings on Heejae. After all if your abuser that you love is seemingly suddenly everything you desperately wanted because of someone other than you how would you feel? Not to excuse bis actions, but they make so much sense for the character. I still want to (lovingly I swear) shake him like shaking baby syndrome though.