Mizzy

I am so ready for the showdown between the crashout king vs meltdown princess.

Also heres a quick analysis on why Compton fixates on hate so much like the emotionally repressed little bitch(somehow I still care for him just like Heejae and Garam, not as much as Garam though) that I already sent the general message on discord but then edited it to something a bit more refined:

The reason Compton clings onto hate so much is because Heejae pushes that narrative on all his students to explain why he treats them so harshly. Compton knows in his mind that it is an excuse for Heejae's inability to be a nurturing person instead of a knife but he still tries to communicate in the language of hate because that is the only one Heejae knew before Garam came into the picture.

To Heejae's students he cements his hatred as to convince the students to leave the professor as well as proving that he is Heejae's best disciple in his teachings of hate. He must isolate and maintain the knife-like Heejae because that version of Heejae is the one Jeffrey idolizes. This veneer of hatred crumbles as soon as someone ignores Compton's past as Heejae's earliest student as he would be the first to point it out and then madly rave about him to whomever listens to this addict.

He desperately wants to prove himself to Heejae centering his whole life on his former teacher. He remembers Heejae's favorite drinks, he formed a company to entice Heejae's student to join him, and will only interpret Rachminonoff's complex emotional turmoil as hate so his sound can finally be acceptable to Heejae since Heejae already rejected Compton's former one. Like a devotee he clings on every word to the extent where he can't even play piano anymore and whenever he tries he gets physically sick due to Heejae's words, telling Compton might as well never play like that again. A pianist's sound reflects their soul and with Heejae saying its heresy, Compton's very being becomes blasephemy leading to Compton rejecting himself. The once young boy gentle like a lamb sheds his sheep skin to become a wolf-like preacher leading prayer for the unimbued masses through the language of hate just as his god taught him. As his god bases his life off of music, Compton centers his life off of Heejae and his method of worship is deep sated devotion masking as hate.

But love for a god cannot be compared to the same wholesome, compassionate love Garam champions. It is twisted thing filled with skewed impressions of a person fractaling into distance, obsession, and resentment. A worshiper may praise their god one day and the next they will curse their god's very name as soon as misfortune befalls them. It is an addiction to leave one's fate to the heavens instead of taking responsibility for their own actions and Compton has mastered this to an art. He forgot who he was before Heejae and can never imagine his life without him like an addict in the midst of a highs and withdrawals.

One day Compton may break free of his addiction and I think he is in the process of right now with the help of Garam making him realize that Heejae is not an immutable force but rather a flawed person same as him. Garam is always depicted as a force of nature that topples others' preconceptions causing those who have closed off their hearts to change. This was done to Youngjo, Valter, Heejae, and perhaps the author wants Jeffrey to change as well. Its sad that it is up to Garam to be the harbringer of change rather than Heejae realizing his own mistakes and owning up to them for the sake of the people he has hurt, but sometimes the messiah has to bear it all to go against the false shepherd.

Side note: I theorize that Compton's sound was like a green pasture where lambs graze due to Heejae's bias towards gentler sound with Garam's and Valter's former one. This coupled with the author's twitter having a younger Jeffrey holding a lamb looking so happy and innocent makes me think that he is a lamb.

Ah my so very flawed Crumpet so clearly clings on ‘The Knife’ Heejae as if it’s a lifeline. Well it is true in his case since Crouton bases his whole life mission on opposing Heejae: quitting piano, creating his own agency, convincing other students to leave all to prove that Heejae’s very soul is wrong. He may seem diametrically opposed to Heejae’s teachings by being a supportive conductor whose role is help guide an ochestra rather than take center stage overwhelming the ensemble like Heejae while positioning himself as a friendly and relatable mentor figure but ironically both Compton and Heejae aim for the same purpose. They are both chasing a shadow of someone. For the professor its the manager and for the conductor its Heejae himself. Its only the wrapping that differs as Heejae wants to appear as the knife as a defense mechanism for his abandonment issues while Compton is compulsively people pleasing and manipulative as to never appear as the bad guy due to his trauma of Heejae’s pride in being a knife, carving the soul out of his students. Compton despises the pain inflicted by Heejae but because Compton only saw Heejae’s abrasive side he doesn’t understand anything beyond that because Heejae never allowed him to left chasing after his own image of Heejae that can never be reconciled with the human Heejae who loves Garam. But hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is and Compton is anything but indifferent. He so deeply wants to prove Heejae wrong, to keep him as a lonely knife that can only care for music by driving away his students just like how Heejae drove him away because if Heejae is able to love then why didn’t he love Compton. Was he not good enough? He’s so insecure but tries so hard to project confidence because he never truly recovered from Heejae’s abuse. He just wants to appear that way, to gain control of others so he can have some semblance of control over his own heart. I love the author so much because they so delicately depict how different people may react to similar traumatic events; some spiral for a long time then find their peace like Walter, others may pick themselves up gradually in the background while trying to continue their normal life like Yerim, while Compton pretends he never needed to recover therefore he never did.

Now he faces his hardest obstacle yet that goes against everything he’s ever believed in: Garam’s love. Someone who can love the professor despite, or in Garam’s case because of the professor’s lonely, prickly nature that manifests as a knife to push away people. Where he would usually acts gently supportive now he forcefully comes onto Garam, pushing him to break just like the old Heejae just to achieve his goal of chasing after his Heejae, ‘The Knife.’ He would use his own body, his symphony players, even become the person he despises yet yearns for to convince Garam to leave all to satisfy that he was right. That the professor is incapable of love. He’s forever stuck in the past and fiercely tries to keep it that way as to validate his feelings on Heejae. After all if your abuser that you love is seemingly suddenly everything you desperately wanted because of someone other than you how would you feel? Not to excuse bis actions, but they make so much sense for the character. I still want to (lovingly I swear) shake him like shaking baby syndrome though.