Warning for Taeju Simps, dont read this poem. IT HURTS!!! When I Hear Your Name I t...

Warning for Taeju Simps, dont read this poem. IT HURTS!!!



When I Hear Your Name




I tell them I am happy now.

And perhaps,
from a distance,
I look the part.

I smile when they ask about you.
I laugh when someone brings up the past.
I speak your name
as though it is only a name—

Yoon Ha.

Two syllables.
Nothing more.

But no one sees
how quietly my heart breaks
when I hear it.

No one sees the way
my smile falters for a heartbeat,
how my eyes wander somewhere far away,
to a place where five years
were never five years at all.

Because while I was learning
how to live without you,

you were waking up
from a world where
you had only just loved me yesterday.

You came back to me
with the same heart
you had left behind.

And I—

I had already taught mine
to forget.

Or so I thought.

I wish I could say
I didn't know what I was doing.

That I was confused.
That I was lonely.
That someone else came along
and filled the empty space
you left behind.

But the truth is crueler.

I chose someone else
while you were still choosing me.

And when you stood before me again,
eyes full of all the love
you had carried across five lost years,

I couldn't give you
the love you deserved.

You waited for me.

And I made you wait
for someone who wasn't coming back.

Until Kwon found you.

Until someone else
held the hand
I once thought would always be mine.

Until you learned
how to smile again
without me.

That should have been enough.

It should have made me happy
to see you happy.

And when I finally understood
what I had thrown away,
I came to you with trembling hands
and a heart full of apologies.

I told you everything.

That I was wrong.

That what happened between us
was a mistake.

That I had never truly stopped loving you—
I had only buried it
beneath guilt, regret,
and the lie that I had moved on.

I begged you to forgive me.

God, Yoon Ha—

I would have begged forever.

But you looked at me
with those eyes
that once belonged entirely to me,

and I saw the answer
before you spoke.

You still loved me.

That was the cruelest part.

Because you loved me
and still chose him.

You asked me
to end it.

To let the love we once had
finally become something
that belonged to the past.

And I said yes.

Because loving you
couldn't mean destroying
the happiness you had finally found.

So I let you go.

Again.

Only this time,

you didn't come back.

They say time heals everything.

Maybe it does.

I wake up.
I go to work.
I eat.
I laugh.

I smile often enough
that people stopped asking
if I'm alright.

Sometimes I even believe them
when they say I look happy.

But there is a bitter flicker
behind my smile
that no one seems to notice.

A little piece of me
still standing at the door,

waiting for you.

I never found another lover.

Perhaps I could have.

Perhaps someone would have loved me
if I had asked.

But how could I offer someone
a heart that still turns toward you
every time your name is spoken?

So I keep it buried.

Deep.

Where no one can see.

Especially you.

I hear that you are happy in America.

I hear that Kwon loves you.

I hear that you love him too.

And every time I hear your name,

I swallow the words
that rise to my lips.

Come back.

I bury them.

I still love you.

I bury that too.

I would do everything differently.

Deeper.

Please give me another chance.

Deeper still.

Until all that remains
is the smile I show everyone.

"I'm happy for him."

That's what I say.

And I am.

I swear I am.

But happiness and longing
can live in the same heart.

I can wish you a beautiful life
while secretly wishing
I were the one beside you.

I can love you enough
to let you go,

and still spend every quiet night
wondering what would have happened
if I had recognized you sooner.

If I had waited.

If I had remembered
how much you loved me.

If I had been brave enough
to choose you
before someone else taught you
how to live without me.

But there are no ifs
left for us.

Only memories.

Only your name.

Only this heart
that refuses to understand
that the man it loves
is no longer his to love.

So if someday
someone asks me about you,

I'll smile.

I'll tell them you're doing well.

I'll say I'm glad.

And perhaps
I'll even laugh.

They won't know
that somewhere beneath that smile,

I am still standing
where you left me.

Still moving on.

Still loving you.

Still learning
how to live in a world
where Yoon Ha
is no longer mine.

And whenever I hear your name,

I will do what I have always done
since the day I lost you.

I will smile.

And quietly,

I will bury the longing
a little deeper.