suguru?

the uke reminds me of suguru geto so much.

this is making me crave reading a satosugu fic where suguru always regrets after he defects. and he tries to find the whereabouts of gojo and what satoru is up to. suguru tries to keep himself busy, and goes on to k*ll non-sorcerers, but nothing makes him stop missing satoru. the more he misses him, the more he tries to be evil. he thinks that seperating himself from his past, changing his actions, using his power for wrath instead of good will make him forget, it doesn't work. satoru haunts his dreams. his depression doesn't get any better, it just becomes high functional. he eventually gets insomnia. he keeps wearing "gojo-kesa", buying new ones so he can speak gojo's name whenever he goes out to buy a new one. that's the only time he allows himself to utter his name. he doesn't speak about satoru much, or he doesn't speak about him at all. the day nanako and mimiko ask him about gojo satoru, the moment he hears his name, it hits him. he tries to stop the memories, but they flood his mind like someone opened the dam gates. he cannot speak much, just that satoru used to be his best friend, and it feels like someone stabbed him a 1000 times over when he confesses that they had a fight and they haven't talked since. oh how he has always talked to satoru in his dreams, he haunts him forever. he hates him. he hates himself for hating him, for leaving him behind, for still not moving on himself after leaving him behind. they can never go back. it's too late. but, he loves him. and he thinks to himself, "i love him."
the years pass, his cult grows, he keeps wearing gojo-kesa, he keeps his hair intact, never cuts them, satoru used to tease him by touching his bangs and untidying his hair when play fighting, he remembers. he smooths his hands over the ends of his hair, remembers– the hair has grown quite a lot. this is the same hair satoru touched. he can't cut them off. this is the last connection he has to satoru. maybe satoru must've forgotten the texture of his hair, the memory of satoru telling him about how he found his bangs amusing when they first met comes back. satoru had short hair during that time, he used to look like a dandelion, big blue eyes and his cocky smile. the memory brings faint smile to his face before he can stop it. oh, it hits him, "i love him".
the night parade of 100 demons. he goes back to the school he left years ago. the life he left years ago. things have changed. the wood architecture has grown old. the plants have become trees. the floor is more worn off than it used to be. he sees the students and his heart turns bitter. this could've been him. if only, if only.... he finds the thought revolting, and can't help but be snarky to the students. he sees yaga, a bit older than he remembers, ofcourse he would be. he himself is not a teenager now. he sees satoru, he's become a teacher now, he chuckles in adoration. “wow! so much for saying you don't care, satoru. look at you becoming a teacher”. he thinks to himself. satoru is older now, he appears a bit more taller, his face has lost the baby fat and his cheeks are not as chubby now. he's colder than he used to be, maybe due to his profession. (after all, geto isn't any warm either, though he has to pretend to lure more people in his cult. ) he can't see his eyes......oh! he can't see his eyes. what's satoru thinking? did he ever miss suguru the way he did? did he haunt his dreams too? he can't even hope for that, he has gone to far to even get a warm smile from satoru, even if it's fake. he's become unforgivable in his eyes, and he hopes satoru never forgives him. he shouldn't. he wouldn't be able to bear it if he did. he leaves after declaring war, even tells where he's going (a crepe shop) when he's leaving. he hopes satoru comes to k*ll him, he can't bear it anymore. living like this, oh how satoru tortures him by making him live. he wishes satoru comes to finally end him, so that he could be free of himself. he only has one regret, satoru. his satoru, if he could even call him that. “i love him”
the sun is setting, he's sitting with his back pressed against the wall, his arm chopped off, he doesn't feel any pain though. what's more painful is to not be able to see the face of a person he misses. the sound of footsteps, he hears, and recognises it as if that's the only sound he's ever heard in his life. he'd never forget the sound of these footsteps even if he were dying, which he is–it really must be true. knowing someone more than you know yourself. satoru arrives, oh, how he has tortured him, letting him live, giving him nothing but his memories to live by. he hasn't stopped haunting him since he defected. how many years it has been since he last slept soundly without every single cell in his body yearning for satoru? he can't remember. “you're late satoru” are the only words he can speak over his hurting throat and hidden sobs. any more and he would cry, from joy, grief, anger, he doesn't really know. he hasn't been able to feel emotions for a long time, all he can ever feel is that he loves satoru. despite all that, he has the audacity to love satoru. he doesn't have the right to, he thinks, but despite all, he loves satoru. he hasn't been able to smile since a long time. everything is painful. looking at satoru is painful. he's sorry. words don't even begin to explain how sorry he is. if he could he would remain on his knees uttering apologies to satoru even if he doesn't forgive him. he's sorry. he is sorry. “just k*ll me, satoru” every thread of his body yearns, with whatever life is left of him.
“aishiteru”(i love you) he hears, in a voice he could recognise before his own, and he thinks he's dreaming, is he dead now? did satoru already k*ll him and he's hallucinating as he's on his journey to hell? what? he looks at satoru through the pain he has just started to begin feeling, it's almost as if gojo gave him a life just before he is going to take it. the words feel like ablution, like he's being cleansed off all his sins. why? “atleast curse me a little at the end” he replies, with a smile he can't help but smile, as he breathes his last breath. “i will always love you.”

//.//
the next time he opens his eyes, he finds himself....wait, is it an airport? he looks around. hanada airport. “geto-san?" he hears a voice he can't quite remember, only to turn around and see haibara. he looks down at himself, it's his school uniform. something he doesn't remember where he put after he defected. “did you choose going south too?". confusion. “going south?" he doesn't know what it means. but if that means coming here, then maybe he did choose going south. oh, old habits are coming back. he is becoming selfish, he hopes, with everything he has, prays even, that satoru chooses going south as well. however long it takes, he'll wait. satoru, come back. will you be “going south”?