I had this whole freaking essay typed out about chapter 210 but wanted to sit on it bc I felt insane about all of it and now I just simply feel sick…wow… the author creates such visceral feelings. I feel both like someone stabbed me in the gut, and I’m bleeding out everywhere, and like I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Just…wow. I read 211 yesterday but wanted to see how translation changed my initial impression of it and everything is churning right now…
Also that afterword/author’s note is amazing. I would do so much to be able to just sit and chat with the author. Their narrative style and the way they weave the threads of each detail so that nothing is left adrift is phenomenal. Obviously, the Chekhov’s gun of it all, but I knew, and it then became increasingly clear, that Garam’s past couldn’t sit still when the author kept presenting that scene of everything that happened while he was at Gaeun (which is also literally his foundation as a person and artist) as a scene on a stage that could be “hidden” behind a curtain. All plays must come to a conclusion before the final curtain falls, and so here we are, ready to blow it all open, to maybe finally air out the wound so that it heals properly.
I’ll probably expound on Garam later and the aftermath of Garam and Heejae part 2. But right now, my first thoughts are latched on the detail that the author stated as Heejae being essentially stuck as that hurt, lonely, and thus vicious child internally and how that has poisoned him to others but especially himself.
It struck me, and has been something that has been lingering in my mind for a while, because how can someone feel such deep love and churn out such feeling of tenderness but still be so afraid to make it concrete by putting it into words. Where does the fear come from that creates such vast horrific destruction? And most of all, how can it be healed? How can the pain finally be soothed? And these questions come as an addition and with the acknowledgement we already have of the trauma he carries with his previous manager, as the author stated. It springs questions like is it really only this trauma that has ruined Heejae in such a devastating manor? It probably is. Sometimes the courage to let your guard down that tentative first time leaves such foundation-ruining lasting aftereffects. Especially when you consider the author stating that internally, Heejae is still very much that sharp, wounded child. I dunno, I can’t articulate it properly but I feel like there’s something lingering there, a little slip of a thread that is maybe waiting to be revealed and woven? I’m probably wrong lol but still! That way the author just provokes the mind…
I know we all hate Heejae, the author included lol, but it is spectacular and a testament to incredible craft that Heejae lingers and makes you (although rn it seems like maybe just me lol which of course is valid!…) see how human he is, even at his most nauseatingly horrific. In my personal belief, I find the most hateful, horrifying, destructive infliction of pain tends to come from a place of such sheer terror. It’s like when you clean and dress a critical, deeply infected wound or injury. The first briefest touch of cleanliness, of possible salvation, is the most knee-jerk harm inducing. The one that causes screaming and thrashing and immediate instinct to attack. Garam has always been that stinging, clear, beautiful life-saving antiseptic, able to find a path forward even amongst mud (the lotus motif). Heejae has always been that putrid, gaping, lifelong sepsis inducing wound, one that hurts to breathe let alone touch, a tempest of pain and blood.
Sometimes life saving care comes too late, the body rejects what’s good for it out of fear of change, of reaching healthy equilibrium when it’s always operated at a frenzied, infected, unbalanced pace.
I’m pretty scared at what comes next lol. I’m sure we haven’t even fully reached the bottom yet. The author doesn’t pull any punches and isn’t afraid to play dirty. I’m so excited, just god wow.
Sage, I’m running out of ways to express my thanks omg!
I had this whole freaking essay typed out about chapter 210 but wanted to sit on it bc I felt insane about all of it and now I just simply feel sick…wow… the author creates such visceral feelings. I feel both like someone stabbed me in the gut, and I’m bleeding out everywhere, and like I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean. Just…wow. I read 211 yesterday but wanted to see how translation changed my initial impression of it and everything is churning right now…
Also that afterword/author’s note is amazing. I would do so much to be able to just sit and chat with the author. Their narrative style and the way they weave the threads of each detail so that nothing is left adrift is phenomenal. Obviously, the Chekhov’s gun of it all, but I knew, and it then became increasingly clear, that Garam’s past couldn’t sit still when the author kept presenting that scene of everything that happened while he was at Gaeun (which is also literally his foundation as a person and artist) as a scene on a stage that could be “hidden” behind a curtain. All plays must come to a conclusion before the final curtain falls, and so here we are, ready to blow it all open, to maybe finally air out the wound so that it heals properly.
I’ll probably expound on Garam later and the aftermath of Garam and Heejae part 2. But right now, my first thoughts are latched on the detail that the author stated as Heejae being essentially stuck as that hurt, lonely, and thus vicious child internally and how that has poisoned him to others but especially himself.
It struck me, and has been something that has been lingering in my mind for a while, because how can someone feel such deep love and churn out such feeling of tenderness but still be so afraid to make it concrete by putting it into words. Where does the fear come from that creates such vast horrific destruction? And most of all, how can it be healed? How can the pain finally be soothed? And these questions come as an addition and with the acknowledgement we already have of the trauma he carries with his previous manager, as the author stated. It springs questions like is it really only this trauma that has ruined Heejae in such a devastating manor? It probably is. Sometimes the courage to let your guard down that tentative first time leaves such foundation-ruining lasting aftereffects. Especially when you consider the author stating that internally, Heejae is still very much that sharp, wounded child. I dunno, I can’t articulate it properly but I feel like there’s something lingering there, a little slip of a thread that is maybe waiting to be revealed and woven? I’m probably wrong lol but still! That way the author just provokes the mind…
I know we all hate Heejae, the author included lol, but it is spectacular and a testament to incredible craft that Heejae lingers and makes you (although rn it seems like maybe just me lol which of course is valid!…) see how human he is, even at his most nauseatingly horrific. In my personal belief, I find the most hateful, horrifying, destructive infliction of pain tends to come from a place of such sheer terror. It’s like when you clean and dress a critical, deeply infected wound or injury. The first briefest touch of cleanliness, of possible salvation, is the most knee-jerk harm inducing. The one that causes screaming and thrashing and immediate instinct to attack. Garam has always been that stinging, clear, beautiful life-saving antiseptic, able to find a path forward even amongst mud (the lotus motif). Heejae has always been that putrid, gaping, lifelong sepsis inducing wound, one that hurts to breathe let alone touch, a tempest of pain and blood.
Sometimes life saving care comes too late, the body rejects what’s good for it out of fear of change, of reaching healthy equilibrium when it’s always operated at a frenzied, infected, unbalanced pace.
I’m pretty scared at what comes next lol. I’m sure we haven’t even fully reached the bottom yet. The author doesn’t pull any punches and isn’t afraid to play dirty. I’m so excited, just god wow.
Sage, I’m running out of ways to express my thanks omg!