This so much. I just want to believe that the reason Heejae didn't go after Garam all these years is because he knows he fucked up and doesn't deserve Garam, and that the best thing for Garam is to never see each other again because he even gave up piano for a reason.
It makes me really mad to think that Heejae has probably not fallen any worse than Garam because he's a bastard who only lives for music and he is still giving concerts somewhere as if nothing ever happened (god please give him some disease or something lol), and I want Garam to climb out of the hole he's dug himself into, whether with the help of Youngjo and his friends and shine brighter than ever again so he can make that decrepit old man suffer.
Idk if Garam and Youngjo will last long, much less if Yosef is still in the equation, but it's likely they'll get back together at least for some time since Garam feels lonely. He will find comfort in his warmth and the old memories they share, because beyond the betrayal he never felt bad with him when they were together, (and someone who hurt him apologized??!! Amazing, the bare minimum, the bar is in hell rn ). Tho he never found out that Youngjo was sleeping around isn't it?? lol
Rereading this just makes my blood boil even more. Heejae has had so many chances to be a better man but he refuses to change. He's just too comfortable in his misery of being a knife. I cant justify why he cant say sorry but I can understand why he doesn't. He's never been an empath never truly felt sorry enough to say it out loud. He knows what he does is wrong but always convinces himself it's necessary, no matter how much it hurts others. He's probably never genuinely felt sorry a day in his life.
But what I really can't wrap my head around is why he can't say I love you back to Garam when he knows he'll never be happy without him and is fully aware of how deeply he's in love with him. He already lost his chance to make things right with his manager, who fucking died, leaving him with nothing but regret. And yet he repeats the same mistake with Garam, except this time he had YEARS to fix it. Garam stayed by his side for so long and that mf still didn't go after him for 4 fucking years. He knows how much he regrets not making things right with his manager, yet he still chooses to do the exact same thing all over again. Making the same mistake over and over isn't a mistake anymore, it's a choice. A choice Heejae made. I hope that wrinkly decrepit bag of bones and misery is suffering a thousand times worse than Garam because that miserable walking corpse deserves every ounce of agony.
I say all this but all I hope and pray for is them to be happy tgt goshh they make me feel like crying everyday.