ThotBeGone's Things

Ahhh this makes me laugh and yet also feel a little sad haha..

Recently I have been thinking of ways to.. I guess, simply put, end it all? Thing is, I hate pain, don’t like it one bit.

I imagine scenarios where I write letters to close ones about how I’m sorry I had to go and tell my family off for being such a negative influence on my life. Weird right? I don’t even know if I can put this on my platform lolll but I can’t put it anywhere else cuz I can’t get feedback or I risk getting seen by peers and losing them #－.－)

I seek momentary bliss by blasting music and closing my eyes or reading stories of fictional lives, but eventually it becomes a cycle of depressing thoughts, reading to lift my mood, falling back into a depressive state, getting angry for being such a wimp, getting in a fight with my family, ranting in my personal notes, drown in music, repeat.

Is this the so called... edgy thoughts? Maybe I should seek a therapist and stop being stupid lol, idk. I doubt I’d be able to get in contact with a therapist anyway. I’m too scared of talking people so I dunno(￣∇￣")

Should I just give this some time to grow out of and hope for the best? Maybe this was too much.. eh, I’ll delete this later if it is then (=・ω・=)

Hello again, it’s a long one. So, I’ve been dwelling on this situation for about... let’s say 2 years? I had a best friend in school that I felt really attached to. She was a really bubbly person,.. at least, that’s how she portrayed herself in the beginning. Things were going alright but she was really heavy with physical contact like holding hands and hugging. I was, and still really am, introverted and a slight germaphobe. She knew this, and despite my constant refusal, she would always force her way into a hug or hold onto my arm. It always seemed cute to others I guess, but I felt like my boundaries meant nothing to her. I did develop a crush on her for a bit, but it quickly ended after I realized I couldn’t imagine myself with her.

She ended up confessing to me through text if my memory serves correct.. I rejected her ofc, as I felt no attraction and I didn’t want to break her heart, as she cries easily. I thought that’d be the end of it, but she continuously confessed and tried to get closer to me. Maybe that was cute to others as well? I didn’t like it tho. Eventually we fought over text and she texted me the next night “thanks, you made me cry in front of my dad and my family.” To which I was puzzled, I get being heartbroken, but Would this change my rejection? No. Sure I felt bad, but that lasted for a second as she moved on to basically spit in my face through text.

But as quick as she was to screech at me, I felt like she played the victim card as soon as I fought back. Saying things like “it’s all my fault, I’m not good enough, I’m a bad person, I was bullied and maybe they were right, my mom always told me I was never good enough” and such.

It was a vicious cycle of making amends and staying friends for the sake of our mutuals and fighting through text, her ignoring me, and then suddenly hugging from behind as I finally just began to ignore her. I finally cut it off as the year came to an end. As everyone prepared for the school year to end, we said our goodbyes to our friends.

Flash forward next year, I happen to enter the same school as her and my mutuals and it’s doing alright, everyone is doing they’re own things, finding new groups. I’ll skip to the reasons why I cut her off.. sorry for the unnecessary backstory—

•She got confessed to by a trans guy in my school and rejected him using a stupid hand trick and left him alone to cry. Her reason was “I don’t wanna date a girl..” (even though I was a girl too but this was before she confessed to me..)
•got chummy with a friends ex after persuading her to break up wit him by saying he was an asshole and such..
•fake cries.. a lot... to the point where it wasn’t cute anymore.
•made jokes about overdosing AS one of my friends was overdosing on antidepressants right in front of her and my friend group, everyone was obviously uncomf and stopped my friend.
•came back 2020 with a post on her story “oh and @(my ig handle) too!” And it was about missing 2 of my other mutuals EVENE THO we both unfollowed each other and hadn’t talked since last year.

I think I was right to drop her, but at the same time, I feel like I was really childish and could’ve handled it better. What do you think? Keep in mind that when she was arguing with me, I also said dumb shit out of anger... idk, it’s just been lingering on my mind since it also caused me to drift from out mutual peers from the awkwardness.

Hi there, so uH.. I think I’m a bad friend.. I hope this doesn’t sound too childish or anything, but I genuinely think so because I often ignore people... not because I hate them or anything, I just.. don’t have the energy in me to reply? I’m often relied on by my friends to vent to and I’m perfectly ok with it. But sometimes, my brain shuts down and I don’t know how to respond and I feel tired. I still care for them, but it feels like my brain ran out of fuel mid conversation.. I have a friend I consider closer than family and she’s been having a rough time lately but I’ve been dodging her calls.. I do want to be there for her but I never know what to say, thus me not accepting her calls.. I feel bad and I don’t know what to do.. in the first place, I can’t really display “happiness”, yes I can smile, but it feels weird, I feel like I’m just copying what others do. I laugh when I hear others laugh, but I don’t know what the joke is. I can’t cry normally, only when I’m under distress or being pressured, if that makes sense.. I didn’t even feel sad when I broke up with my girlfriend even though I felt such joy in the beginning. Was it puppy love?? I don’t understand.. how can I understand emotions?? I hope that didn’t sound too chunni but I need help, I don’t understand myself.. should I admit it truthfully to my friend or should I keep this to myself? I don’t want to put her under more stress.. I can’t even put this on my socials.. aghhh what do I do??? ╥﹏╥

Idk, pegging has been a reoccurring joke in one of my group chats but, the more I think about it, it’s pretty hot.. like just imagining grabbing your boy from the waist and biting all over his nape as he whines ⁄(⁄ ⁄·⁄ω⁄·⁄ ⁄)⁄ I guess I’ll never really know if I’m into it until I try it, but I have 0 sexual experiences lolol~ My problem is, it’s hard for me to get aroused.. I can say I’m being hornbutt all I want, but my mind’ll drift and I’m never really into it.. is this normal? Does this just mean I have a low sex drive or...? Maybe this can be solved by looking online but I’m curious as to if I should give it more time, or just realize I’m not really into to sexual intercourse when it involves me(〜￣△￣)〜 I’m also not very into romance when it involves me, platonic or not... ahhh my brains a mess.. can anyone who’s tried pegging, tell me how it is~? I wanna know the details~~(づ￣ ³￣)づ