beta
Lol tbh I’m just bored. There was this one time where I freaked out and thought I had a STI or specifically herpes on my labia when it was really just fordyce spots which I found out are completely natural.
I don’t really know if this is what you describe as depression, but it sure as hell feels like it.
It’s been eating at me for a couple of months and a lot of things are tearing away at my mentality. First off, I’m that one person who will laugh a lot, joke around, and act like they couldn’t give two shits about the world. Like an airhead I’d say. I’m in school so I get pretty good grades actually, but I think it’s just my social and domestic life that’s been fucking me over.
When I’m alone, I feel extremely tired and just so empty. Im finding lots of ways to distract myself but it only distracts me for so long and it doesn’t get any better.
I try to hang out with people so it distracts me from this emptiness I’ve been feeling. I’m trying to be more productive but at the end of the day I still feel like falling apart. I’m doing whatever I can to get my mind off this like I’m trying to do more hobbies like learning guitar, taking care of a plant, more chores on a daily basis, and even some art but it’s not working.
Like in these episodes of absolute shit I stress over the myself and personality and my persona and appearance and all the scary shit that can happen to me.
I’m a bitch. I say that as a joke infront of people, but in reality I’m a mega bitch. I’m so fucking fake that I hate it. I act friendly to the people that mostly like hate me. I’m fake to people that think that they can use me. I’m definitely fake to people who are friends with my enemies.
I’m also so stressed on everything I do infront of people. I have to watch what I say infront of people just in case if they use it against me, watch which people I hang out with, people I text, I’m even wary of my own friends who i truly want to trust.
I’m paranoid of the people and what they say about me behind my back, good or bad. I just fucking want to talk freely without worry and do whatever I want, act however I want and not be fucking judged for once.
Problem actually starts with my parents. They fucked me over so many fucking times. They call it tough love, I fucking call it mental abuse. I have 0 self esteem, confidence, and any self awareness because of everything they insult me for on a daily fucking basis. I used to cry to it and now I’m like fuck it I’m used to it. And when I say I have no self esteem they have the nerve to fucking ask me why.
One moment they’re calling me this horrible retarded ugly fatass and then they try to apologize for the fucking hours of humiliation by calling me pretty and how I ‘just need to work on things’
Fuck off.
Load of bullshit is what it all is. They judge me, they judge my friends, they dig into my social life. They call some of my friends losers and don’t want me associating with them just cause they’re not the popular kids. Fucks sake it’s all pissing me off just thinking about it. I had a best friend who I honestly loved and my parents want to talk shit about her and I just can’t fucking take it.
They ridicule me for the fake way I act around people WHO THEY SAID ARE WARY OF.
I LEARNED HOW TO BE FAKE FROM FUCKING THEM. THEYRE THE ONLY REASON WHY I ACT THIS WAY JESUS CHRIST.
I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t cry anymore because this shit fucked me up so bad that I don’t get sad over this shit, just plain fucking angry.
I can’t eveb vent out to friends because I’m scared of their fucking judgement anyways since I’m just that one friend who has everything in the world and doesn’t have the ducking right to complain.
Fuck I’m tired but I can’t even fall asleep sometimes. Fucking hell, this is such a nightmare. I’m so damn tired...
It's my personal belief that talking with stragers, venting to strangers, over the internet is easier than talking with friends or family. In one case, you may never meet the person you explain your feelings to; in the other case, you will see the person you entrusted your explanation to daily or almost daily.
If you need someone to vent to, I'm really boring, have no life, and understand kind of where you're coming from.
Soon I'm going on anti-depressants so I understand to a certain degree how it feels to be eaten from within your own self doubt and lack of self worth.
I hope chatting with give you a chance to level your thoughts and vent your bottled up frustration.
I hope I can help of you're up to vent.
You're not alone on this and it's okay to vent out. I'm glad that you took the chance to spill what you wanted to say :). I could relate to what you said and even if I wasn't in the same situation as you, I'm literally questioning if I have depression too.
Honestly, I don't know what you should do but this is what I've done to overcome to fear of judgement from even the people my age that I grew up with, I just spat it all out. I found someone who could be reliable and would accept me and even for what I was thinking. Try pushing yourself out of your comfort. It's totally worth it.
I've been getting more ignorant to everything since I've gotten used to the things that was eating on me everyday. Don't run away and do what is needed for you. Do what you need to do for yourself. You'll be broken and pushed to a corner you've made for yourself. To end this, don't hurt yourself. You're beautiful and worth it. Don't run away and cry all you want. It's not bad to release anger, especially tears. Don't hurt yourself by leaving the scars in your heart open and prone to being opened again and again.
There's always someone who you could look up to, and rely on. And there's always someone to accept you.
I don't understand all your pain and I may not have gone through all that you've been through, but I accept you and I understand. I get it, I get what you're saying and I see your pain and your anger. Please recover yourself and treat yourself right because you're special.
THEY WERE GONNA DO ITTTT UPDATTTEEE