Be A Dumb Bitch

It was a day like any other. I picked my usual iced coffee, did my routine struttins about town. And then it happened. I matched with someone on Dopplefinder, a dating app for narcissists. We met for a dinner time in which she asked me "So how was your day" to which I replied "It was a day like any other. I picked my usual iced coffee, did my routine st-" "Wait stop you right there. What even is your name?" "Dorian what's yours" "Borian" "Awww" "What's your star sign?" "Anagram" "Aww we're like twins" "Yeah except I'm gonna fuck you right in both your balls, while stretching open it with all the butter till it has no choice but to pop." "Twins don't do thatttt"
"You guys decide what you want?"
"Well, some privacy would be great!"
"Alrighty! What can I get for ya?"
"Well what's good Marie Calendar"
"EVERYTHINGS GOOD CAUSE I FUCKING MADE IT"
"Yeah and who are you you old piece of shit?"
"IM FUCKING GORDON RAMSEY BITCH. Those shit faced dickheaders can suck my hairy balls put them in the floor where they belong, CAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW GORDON RAMSEY"
"What a great date we're having"
"I know nothing bad can happen today"
GUNSHOT
"FREEZE YOU PUNK MOTHERFUCKERS"
"Ooh, arrest me, I did it"
"No, arrest me"
"No, arrest me"
"haha what's happening?"
"I KNOW YOU SPROUTS STOLE FIFTY KILOS"
"Gasp what are those?"
"Drugs"
"Are you gonna.... search our balls?"
"Hell no"
"Oh well then it was him" "It was you"
"Oh shut the fuck up Im not going to jail unless I'm getting stretched"
"IF ONE OF YOU DON'T CONFESS, YOUR BOTH GONNA FUCKING DIE"
"Distraction!"
"Where?"
"If you kill me, then that means you're gonna have to kill world famous- uh"
"GORDON FUCKING RAMSEY"
"Gordon's an icon, you cock sucker!"
"And you wouldn't kill Gordon Ramsey now would you?" *one gunshot later* "HE WAS AN ICON"
"But where's the distraction?"
"YOUR GOING TO PRISON"
"Ow ow! Save me Dorian! I'll suck your dick!"
"Can I interest either of you in a fresco?"
"I need your help"
"Oh! Well, the customer comes first!"
"This customer not cumming at all until we rescue my date. Now what's your name?"
"I'm *bleep*"
"Oh my god, your parents should burn in hell!"
"its possible, their dead!"
"Christ in my ass, how'd they die?"
"Well, fucking"
"Oh its the worst way to die!"
"Well they weren't dead at this point"
"OH GOOD"
"It wasn't until the acid burned off-"
*PUKES* "Enough about you, we need to rescue my date before he goes away for a crime he didn't diddle"
"Well if he didnt steal the drugs, who did?"
"It was me, you child molester looking fat motherfucker!"
"HAHA! I like you too! Let's go on an adventure to save your friend!"
"Wait! Someone stop that cop car! The cop car stopped me. Am I gonna live doctor?"
"Your body's fine, but your *bleep* did test positive for herpies, syphillis, hepatitis a through z, gonorrhea, inflated dick, pregnancy"
"Well, I have at least one more person to spread those to, and I'm gonna save him!"
"Hold on, uh, about your insurance-"
"Hold on what is insurance. Lets go!"
"Ok!"
BACK WITH THE COPS
"TELL ME WHERE THE DRUGS ARE AT"
"Not till you tie me up like a little bitch! Not what I had in mind, but I'm not complaining."
"I WANT ANSWERS"
"AND I WANT DICK"
"You let my date go so I can fuck him!"
"All right. Then you confess to stealing the drugs."
"All right fine, it was me who stole the dr-"
"Wait! I can't let you do this. I STOLE THE DRUGS!"
"No, I stole the drugs"
"No, I stole the drugs"
"Ight, I stole some drugs too"
"Wait hold on if we all have drugs, let's fucking party!"
*after hours of stripping and partying and woohooing!*
"Oh fuck he's dead. Anyway, you know they have a two for one sale at Wendshells"
"WOOHOO!"
















LMAOOOO KILL ME NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME here everyone watch this if confused https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-5--uVryQ
Uh.... I just really wanted to type all that out cause im bored as hellll someone mightve read it and i feel bad when you couldve watched it HAHA loser ok see ya