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I need some serious help. I have been in an abusive household for 15 years. I have never felt at peace. Idk what mental illness I have but, sometimes it gets so bad that it is hard to breathe. It is all because of my parents, my elder brother and my relative. So please answer/ share your thoughts !!! It would be really helpful, and ithis is not a story for you to pity me or anything , i just need some advice. my mother is extremely abusive , both physically and emotionally. I have encountered incidents where she has banged my head against walls , strangled me because I stood up for my elder sister/ younger brother when they were being bullied by my elder brother, and to her it was disrespect, and slapping and kicking and punches were a basic thing that i would experience before my i became 14, and she would use terrible words , such as whore , slut , bitch, i will shove a knife up your ass, you fucking bitch, you shouldnt have been born ( from the age of 6/7)etc. she still strangles me sometimes and swears, but that isnt important. Something which happened a few days ago really fucked me up. My mother got plastic surgery, more specifically a nose job.All because my father asked her to. Mind you my father is the same as my mother except he doesnt swear as much because he is usually always absent. So before this, she intially told my sister and i her plans but i srtictly refused, to which she pressured us and fought with us a lot to get it done but i refused. so she was happy when she was going to get it done. the morning she was going to get it done, i made them breakfast, served it for them ( my sister and i do most of the housework, except vacuuming and stuff , we have two maids for cleaning.) and my father called me and asked me to sit down, he stated,
'do you want another mum or do you want me to refresh this mum for you'
he laughed as he said that.
i think a piece of me died . i said ' whatever i dont care.'
my parents never had a good relationship, they were always fighting, him beating her up, vice versa. my mum trying to kill herself or runaway and him trying to stop her.
these are normal things for our family.
so i left and i was pissed, i was so mad.
my mum came home after the surgery and she was drowsy, so she slept.

when she woke up , she had a different nose shape and i was scared. I wanted my old mother back because this new mother kept on crying and saying that she hated it and she was in a lot of pain.

it hurts so bad .
someone please save me.

she kept on covering her face. i asked why did you do it? she said so i could look pretty for your father, like the girls he meets up with. i dont know anymore. i feel so suffocated around her. her eyes look lifeless and she feels so distant

i want to call child helpline but i am scared my younger sibling will be taken away. i know i will end up killing myself, and i dont know if what my parents do seem normal or fine because one day they are psycopaths and the next they are all happy and kind and funny . i know something is wrong because of my state:
-i have tried committing suicide at the age of 8, 9, 12.
-i have had multiple panic attacks,
-i cannot cry anymore, not matter how hard i want to
-i cannot concentrate.
- i lost interest in my hobbies

so what is wrong, is this normal ? i only started questioning all of this 2 years ago.