After Death Thoughts

I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately but no one to ask them or express them to without sounding stupid or Emo so take that as you will, you can read none or all of you want


I’m losing my mind I feel like I’m reverting back to my middle school self sometimes because all I do is come home, cry, sleep, do homework, then repeat, and I’m a sensitive crybaby so sometimes when I got upset I would lose my appetite for a few days and get all sensitive sensory wise (I’ve always been more keen to feelings and emotions so when a light was too bright or a noise to loud, or someone would tell me i had to stop and move onto the next task I would just become so frustrated for no reason i would start sobbing uncontrollably) and that was fine because I was a healthy/overweight weight but I got ibs due to antibiotics and stress and I’ve experienced such bad stomach pains that it makes me scared to do that again because I dropped weight so fast (dropped like 30-50 pounds in two months because I got scared of eating due to ibs) and it was so painful to go to bed hungry and wake up hungry and it feels like your stomach is in your brain and eating what you are lacking. I know I’m being dramatic because I wasn’t dying of hunger I was still eating around 800 cals a day but my stomach got so small and I felt so weak and my bones started poking out and clothes fell off of me and it was just a little traumatising to feel that way. And my dad would get mad because I was already allergic to red meat and lactose intolerant and the ibs sent him over the edge because it’s like I couldnt eat anything and it was so embarrassing when we had family over and he would yell at me for not eating all the food and call me a bird but when I was younger it was the opposite and with bird it was pig.
And I think I got acute dermatitis on my hands because when I was younger I would just bit the insides of my cheeks but it became painful to talk and eat so I stopped and for a while I filtered through other bad habits until I landed on skin scratching. When I get overwhelmed with the feelings I start scratching and it’s not bad when it’s on my shoulders or my legs because no one can see but when it’s on my neck and my hands people get uncomfortable and they say I shouldn’t do it because I have no reason to be stressed and it’s not something I should worry about but I’m not stressed I’m overwhelmed with feelings and sometimes it’s stress but sometimes I’m just feeling too much adrenaline or happiness or sadness and if I don’t scratch I’ll end up slamming my head into my desk or breaking my finger because I need a way to soothe myself (when i was younger I cried much more than my sister so my parents told me that I would die faster if I cried so it made me nervous and I know it’s not true now but it lasts what people say) so basically what I’m trying to say is that stress is my issue but it’s multifaceted with other things and I wish my family would let me cry more often and not make scene of me by yelling at me or saying I have no reason to cry when I know that but o just need to because I need to.

Also school is driving me up the wall my dad thinks that everything other than engineering is a lost cause and I was planning to do what my sister did and just double major with I want to do and then choose an engineering path but taking college classes have made me realise how much I dislike STEM. I wish I could ignore my parents and do what I want to do but I don’t think my parents will pay for my college but I can’t do something in stem because I’ll actually do something. I desperately want to be a copywriter of fictional text or a freelance editor but I could never convince my dad because it’s not stem and it even has a declining occupancy rate (probably due to ai which sucks) and on average the money is somewhere between 50-100 k and I don’t think my dad would go for a job with that low of a high, plus he’s domineering and is unwilling to compromise on most things (like cooking and games too). But I’m looking into nearby college classes for creative writing, almost 1/4 done with a book I’m writing, instilled a creative writing club at my school along other things and I hope a college will pick me for being diverse instead of being oriented around one goal. But the closer I get to college submissions and have no idea what I want to do as a “primary” or “satisfactory” job is frightening. My backup job is planned somewhat but I have not the slightest on what I want to do for the main thing. I can’t do math because precalc is slaying me, physics is basically incomprehensible in my terms, and life science is incredibly boring to me. The only classes entertaining to me is apush, honours English, and woodworking, and ap French (I like but don’t like it because it’s online and I wish it was in person). Next semester for me will be even more boring because I don’t have room in my schedule for Spanish iii so I’ll have to take economics and that’s the only class I can change because every other class is year long, so basically just lost and don’t wanna be in debt but also don’t wanna end up depressed in the future but don’t know what to pick

Also started reading huckleberry Finn and before we started reading it our teacher assigned us a piece called “The N word, it just slips out” so do what you will with that information