Therepy question

Hm so this is real, so lowkey it’s not yoonbum lol and I need advice cause apparently people on mangago are all in some way therapists and no one knows me on here lol. It’s a completely disorganized rant lol so if you don’t wanna read it, don’t.

Long story short, my dad verbally abuses and mom physical, and that’s pretty common with Asian families, but they have exceptionally bad tempers and I get blamed for everything and that messes with my head. When I was younger (idk 6-7-8?) I would not yell back or do anything, just cry and kinda run away after being hit and just bottle up my feelings. But I guess the last few years (I’m 13) I’ve been getting to the point where I’m just pissed and I’ve been yelling back and throwing literal punches, and I’m pretty strong, so I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve literally grabbed and held down my dad for a solid minute, and as a result my dad has also become violent. For the last years I’ve gotten bruises from him like... throwing me. Idk how to explain it. So basically big fight big fight, I’m forced to apologize every time because mom always has to vouch for her ‘dear husband’.

Aight that back story is over, I’ve locked myself in the basement for the past 3 months now. Lmao plot twist. It wasn’t that bad cause like it’s summer break so no schools or anything and so no one had to know. Before you ask, yes I’m keeping myself fed, clean yadda yadda.

So the first week, my mom immediately asked me to go to therepy (ignoring the fact I asked that 2 years ago cough cough) and said I need help. I comepletely blocked the door so they can’t get in, and I would be dead silent when they came by, so they haven’t talked to me at all nor seen me. The second week they started begging me to come out and apologizing (I haven’t heard an apology in 13 years hah) but I’m too petty to give up so easily. After the 3rd week or ish they started getting mad, like mad mad, bangin on the door and stuff mad and screaming at me telling me they would abandon me and stuff if I ever did come out. Then the next 2 months would be a random mix of leaving food out, writing angry or sad letters, yelling, crying screaming and stuff li,e that. And I’m pretty sure my mentality maybe took a hit because I ended up making my own language and started talking to myself with it, and I would get mad, scared, and sad really easily, and I would have just the most extreme parinoia. Idk. I also tried downing half a bottle of Advil but I threw it all up and got a really bad stomach ache after.

But now it’s back to school, and I guess my ‘parents’ don’t want to look bad or something, because now they’re getting even more mad and screaming at me whenever they get the chance, and trying to force the handle open, then they brought up the fact that they would call the police and like kid help stuff to force me out of the home.


And now I’m sitting here, more parinoid than fucking ever, but every time I think of leaving, I can’t, and I don’t want to be the one apologizing for the fact they started the whole, thing in the first place and I know I will be forced to apologize for being ‘a fat, stupid rat’. The whole fucking fight all started for me not hearing my dad because I had headphones on for gods sake, they would get mad at me not pouring a cup of oat milk for them or me staying on the computer for 5 extra minutes, or not wiping down a glass right. Idk this was just a chaotic rant, but quite literally none of my friends or anyone else knows about it so I needed to rant it all.

I’m the one apologizing for their mistakes, I’m apologizing for their misunderstandings, I’m apologizing for them fucking hearing something wrong and taking offense. I don’t want to fucking apologize again and feel guilty about it, I want them to know their daughter has ignored them, and that they have no clue what I’m doing, and for them feel the guilt that they’re the only ones to blame.

But I’m at the point where I’m scared because I have no clue what’s going to happen next, and what I should do. I don’t know if they’re just saying empty threats or making actual promises. (￣∇￣")

Aight any advice is appreciated. ^^