Is love unappealing to you? Are you scared of/uninterested in love?

Love kind of scares me.

Or rather I guess love is a scary thing in general, but I find myself exaggeratedly scared by it.

I've always been that 'tough' girl who's not interested in falling in love. Truth is, now that I'm growing up, I'm starting to realize I'm simply fucking scared of it (but I'm also hopelessly romantic lol).

When I was growing up, I used to think I would never fall in love because for me, being in love meant being weak and/or vulnerable. Because you had to rely on another person and had to show them your weak side, I hated the idea. I was always quick to dismiss any attraction I felt for anybody, and didn't put too much thought into it. I fell in love once and it took all my efforts hiding and denying it it remains a painful and unnecessary memory (plus it kind of faded over time so it makes it even more annoying now that only the discomfort remains).

I also have a big ego and at the same time a poor self- esteem. For a long time I refused to tell myself I needed others and at the same time I always kind of thought it was because I was unable to blend in (I was a hung up kid). I developed some kind of inferioriy/superiority complex as a coping mechanism I guess lol
Plus, I've always been kind of a perfectionist, so my standards for myself and people, and therefore love, have always been ridiculously high. I've always been conscious and afraid of how people would look at me, and one of my biggest fear is deceiving people. I think my current behaviour really reflects that because I love putting extra care in what I'm wearing/how I'm behaving in the surface etc. because I want people to look up to me, but above all because I want to be the intimidating kind of beautiful lol (yeah I'm kind of vain so what :'). But I don't fucking do it because I want people to approach me and flirt with me. I just love to be imposing lol (well I'm trying to at least)

But also, my personality is kind of weird: I'm either really fake and reserved, or overly sharing my thoughts, and I jump from one extreme to another. I become so frank and ridiculously extra (thus awkward) it feels like I'm either not honest enough to trust people and for people to trust me into a deeper relationship (be it friendship or more), or too honest and nobody is interested in listening to me because I'm so exhausting and uninteresting lmao. It's like I'm just a personality, a figure (my english skills are not good enough I don't know if it's the right term), like I'm entertaining but I'm not really taken seriously. And at the same time it's what I want people to think because I'm afraid to show my real self to others, thus the fear of commitment etc.
In short, I'm pretty egocentric yet self-deprecative, which isn't super attractive lmao.

Same goes for love, I noticed whan I feel some kind of attraction to someone it's like I'm in a push and pull relationship. One time I'm laughing and playing dumb because it's hard to hide my affection towards them, and then the next minute I'm finding myself quite literally hating on them, or jokingly making fun of them and playing tough because they make me feel like shit and I have no other way to distance myself from them than making myself look toughly "friendly" and kind of rude (still in a friendly sort of way but not really)

So this led me to avoid commitment in any way possible. I'm afraid of getting bored of the other person and vice versa, I'm afraid I'm not worthy/mature enough, I'm afraid love will make me vulnerable etc.

And at the same time, I've been coping with my sexual needs and romantic aspiration by """"projecting"""" (this isn't the right term but english isn't my first language so I'm doing what I can, I think you get the idea?) other people I can and can't relate to: I'm invested in stanning kpop celebs bc I can give them all the ungiven affection I hold (not in a weird sexual way, don't get my wrong lmao). It's super platonic and one- sided because I'm aware they're not even aware of my existence, but I like having people I admire like this. It's like I can freely give love without getting burdened by any expectations in return. Also (it's a whole different topic and I could go on for hours but it's getting long and boring so no), I like reading BL manga and fanfiction because in a way, I can relate to the characters feelings without actuelly projecting myself (reading shoujou manga/straight romance makes me gag). I'm not in any way fetichzing anyone's sexuality (and i'm saying this as an LGBT person) and I don't get off on it for god's sake, but it helps me relate with the feelings without completely making me involved in the characters, and it's reassuring.

Plus, I've been in a harsh situation lately and when my friends are away from me enjoying themselves, falling in love and having fun, doing things young people do, I'm just here laying in my bed, feeling rejected and alone, unable to get up due to personal/mental issues so it makes me even more miserable and ashamed of myself for feeling and behaving like that.
And as I'm typing this, a friend of mine (who I suspect is trying to ask me out) wants to see me and I can't say him I don't want to (bc fear of saying no, deceiving people etc.) and he's a friend I don't want to lose... But how can I explain him all this shit lol

So I'm here, already 18 yo and still romantically/sexually inexperienced, terrified of love and commitment, putting on acts and feeling miserable, not knowing how to politely decline someone and just lost in my own mess of a life lmao

(In the end it turned out to be a long and disjointed rambling I'm sorry)


What about you? Can you relate?

Is love unappealing to you?