early stages of dementia

this is mostly just a vent, i don’t have friends irl that take me seriously and i don’t have many online friends that i feel comfortable venting to so i’m putting it here without the expectations of a response.

my relationship with my mom is not unusual but definitely weird. she loves me, but we argue a lot. i am rebellious and i hate myself for feeling that way (right now). i went through a bad depression since i was really young, and as i grew up i took it out on my mom. i hate myself for that so much right now. we would argue everyday to the point where she wondered “where did i go wrong? i have 3 other kids and they were never like this?” and i used to not care and i pissed her off a lot.

but i love her, as much as my younger self would say “i wouldn’t care if she died” i really care for and love my mom. she makes me food, she cares about my feelings, she helps me prepare for things, she tries her best to get me things i want, she really really is the best person in my life right now and im taking her for granted every second of my life.

when i look back at my times wit her , i want to hit myself in the face and make me hug her and accept her motherly love because every time i “rejected it because i thought i was being cool” is so immature and so fucking stupid. it’s all getting back to me like a truck, and i’m so fucking dumb for not realizing it sooner.

my mom is having early stages of dementia, and i’m fucking terrified of the entire disease. like i am so fucking scared of dementia and the fact that i keep on thinking that she might have is making me so fucking sad and scared and right now i’m in shock and i feel so detached that i can’t even cry anymore. it’s not that i can’t live without my mom, it’s the fact that i have to live in a reality where she wont see my future as “herself” anymore. and if she dies, my whole family and life is going to fall apart because when i realize i love my mom and i would give up my life to save her and when i am realizing right now that i should have loved her so much fucking more i want to kill myself.

i don’t know what to do, i am scared and i’m i’m so much disbelief that i just can’t sleep anymore.