Rant cause I’m going insane

So basically, I feel like my life has been getting worse and worse. I’m a generally happy person, I’ve never been depressed, I live in a nice home and I don’t worry about much, but things have just been all wrong lately.
I’ve never really felt the need for affection or love from anybody but my friends, and especially not from men(I’m a lesbian), but lately, I’ve been really really really wanting a gf, but there’s so many reasons why I can’t.
First of all, my grades are shit. Idk why anybody would want to date someone with no future, and second of all, I don’t even like anyone. It’s so insane how much I want to date yet I don’t even have anybody I like. No female here is my type, and the only person who is even slightly similar to my type I just don't even see it working out, nor do I care to interact with her.

Besides this, I feel I’ve been just doing everything incorrectly. I keep making people mad and I can’t even control my damn words. All I’ve been doing is apologizing and apologizing over and over but I just end up doing it again, not to mention, I keep getting angry myself over and over which isn’t even helping. All of this is quite draining towards me, and not to mention other stuff that I’m not sharing. I hate feeling like this but I don’t even know how to change anything. I just wish I could go back to a time where I was more happy, I can’t handle any of this stress at all.

One last thing, the reason why I’ve never been depressed or felt sad a lot is cause I have brain damage. I hit my head so much as a child that it damaged my brain, causing me to have memory loss which erases any memory of sad events, or times where I’ve felt sad, making me only really feel happy. The down side too this is that I blow up whenever I get mad cause my emotions get so suppressed… but another problem about this is that I’ve never learnt to deal with negative emotions cause they always go away so soon, which is why I feel like I’m going crazy rn.

Anyways, if you actually read all of this, ummm, thank you ig? Well, if you haven’t and just skipped to the end, you can ignore this. Idrc what anybody does with this information.