listless

Does anyone else feel like they're just mindlessly wasting time? Mindlessly existing?

Summer is over and I'll be back at uni soon, but I didn't do a single meaningful thing even for myself. I didn't even go out and see friends let alone get a part time job and what not. Don't get me wrong I tried applying to so so many things at the start of summer, but i got no responses back and these were just random jobs cause i got too anxious to try for internships, but even then i got no call backs. Maybe this is an excuse cause I didn't try hard enough, but really I felt like i tried my best.

I'm really anxious so I'm always avoiding my friends and lost contact with all of my hs friends and now I don't really text/call my uni friends I only respond sometimes when they contact me. I said I'd be better out of hs and rebrand myself for uni... but ofc that didn't work and I'm still the same old me.

Even what I'm doing in uni I'm not passionate about. And don't start with "you're young you can still find your passions" and whatnot. I just feel like there's nothing I'm passionate about. Even as a child there was nothing I dreamed to be. I don't dream of working. But of course a human has got to work. The path I choose was what I'm most interested in so it was the only option if I actually wanted to get through uni.

I just feel like I'm so loveless, so passionless, and I do what's asked of me even doing it to my best capabilities but inside i'm so listless and my work ethic is low even when it appears high outwardly. I feel like a brainless sheep.

I'm just a normal kid too like I've never had a rebellious era or ever got in trouble before. I've keep my grades good and have never in my life have even been in a confrontation with someone. Like I'm truly just floating around doing and accomplishing nothing on my own.

There's nothing I want to accomplish too. Just want to make money when i get a job out of uni and live simply i guess. I'll probably be alone as well cause i'm terrible at keeping up with friends.

I'm asexual too possibly aromatic as well, so i don't necessarily mind it, but everything together just makes me think i'm such an unfit human like if i'm gonna be like this can't i at least act up? be the rebellious type? so when i wander around listlessly people see my character and think "that makes sense"? that i got with a bad crowd and ruined my life or something. but no this is just how it is. how it always is.

You've probably guessed it by now but growing up i had some... pretty bad idealizations. I have them occasionally sometimes when it gets really bad but I don't have any thought of... you know actually doing anything. So it's like I'm really just existing. and that's it. Like I'm not even really human at all and just made wrong from the get go.

I've written a bit like this online before sharing my thoughts and such and some think i'm autistic or something but idk just doesn't feel right... actually maybe idk. not that i'll be going to the doctors to find out or anything just thought i'd mention it.

don't know why i felt compelled to write this maybe if someone is going through a similar thing