Im a coward and a loser

Hey, Im an 18 yr old that still lives with my parents. They are both immigrants and at 11 yrs old me and my father came to the US first leaving my mother behind to our home country. For rest the of my 11-17 years it was just me and my father, dont get me wrong he did everything, he worked hard and he did everything to provide for me in a country where he cant even speak the language. However when it's just me and my dad he never taught me "proper" etiquette for a certain gender. (Im a biological female that's trans f to m) maybe because of this is why i never bothered to dress up like a girl. I like wearing baggy clothes, dark colored ones and I dont even wear any slightly revealing stuff (not that its bad). Anyways back to my parents. My dad even though he did everything for me financially I never felt really "loved" (?) Like yes hes too busy with work but like when an 11 year old child grew up at home all alone all the time isn't it normal for them to like be distant with their parents? Or is that just me.. Anyway. I was 17 when my mother got here in the US. All the time she was at our home country Idk I never bothered to talk to her I mean I used to when we just got here in the US but as I grew up I just became ok that "I dont have a mom" which makes me distant with her too. But now that shes here and she controls what I have to wear, she bothers me, she shows affection, she loves me it just felt annoying and weird. When she used to be in our home country she had a huge accident where she needed surgery but how come I didnt even feel anything..? Im the worse kind of daughter ik. Back to the topic, shes been here now for a year and she works with my dad so they both have the same shifts and day offs and everything and like I said even though they provide me financially with everything and even though they try to love me I Idk I just feel so annoyed and after I feel like shit and with the way my mother is acting makes me feel even more annoyed. She would tell me what to wear, how she gets embarrassed whenever she post a Pic of me in fb because other people always told her that her daughter dress so sloppy. I dont fucking understand if ME, I dont find it embarrassing why would she? I like wearing those type of clothes, I like repeating my outfits because its easier so what if people found it weird as long as I find it okay doesn't that what counts? I feel so shitty whenever I go out with them because they always have something to say. I never told them im trans, I think they would genuinely disown me if I did they're also Christian so maybe that explains why she acts the way she does. We had a big argument yesterday. By big argument it was her screaming at me and me trying to ask her why she cares so much about what I wear. Her argument was that she feels hurt that her kid is getting comments from other people and says names such as "tomboy" or "sloppy" or that they tell her to make her dress "properly" but me on the other hand I dont care about what other people think so why does SHE care? At the same time she uses the youre still my child and you live here argument and if you want to do whatever you want go leave and stand on your own feet. Im a loser, I dont have a job, no dreams, no aspirations and a coward. I cant argue with that because I live off of them. Yes I know im the worst.

I feel like shes putting her insecurities on me. When she got here in the US I thought she looked fine but apparently people at her work, and my aunt aswell would tell her that she got "fatter" I told her that shes fine shes not even overweight and that she doesn't have to care what people think. But I noticed that whenever shes scrolling on her photos if she encounters a picture of herself where she used to be skinny and 'prettier' she would always show it to me and say that "this your mom" or "you should be like your mom" I would just nod at her. She would always go to the mirror and ask me if she got fatter, skinnier whatever. Me on the other hand she would say that I would look better if I was a bit more skinnier too. Im 120 lb or 54 kg. I never thought of myself fat or skinny I thought I was just fine with it.

I know this post screams spoiled brat, piece of shit whatever but I, I genuinely dont understand why she has to care so much about my appearance? Am I that embarrassing? I mean I dont think I even do anything bad i dont smoke, do drugs whatever yes im addicted to my phone, I dont have a dream, nor jobs but im also trying to change that im applying everywhere I went to college even though I BARELY wanted to go. But even with these efforts they still find faults with me. I dont know what to do.

Today I did something I would never encourage other people to do. I did self__rm to myself yes I know its stupid and I shouldn't have done it but I dont know it was just an impulse and to be honest it felt relieving it made me focus more of the pain from the scar than whatever I was feeling up there.
Please dont do what I did, yes its a hypocrite of me to say that but after few minutes of that relief I felt shame and uglier because of this new scar on me now.

I need some advice, lol I know this was a long post and that this didnt have to be posted here but I didnt know where to go. Thank you for still reading
You can just ignore this! Dw