does anyone else experience bi-cycles?

yeah the title is funny but hear me out, i'm bi. but sometimes i feel like I'm so fricking gay. like, i don't even want men or something (also bc men are so fucking uncompetetive when it comes to dating i've given up before even trying). and i love women (★v★) lately i am feeling like i can't find men attractive anymore, not bc their looks or anything (well, most of them are chopped anyway) but more bc of their personality. it's like they NEVER consider women as true humans, even the most feminist of men will still look at women as women first and not consider them as true humans (for some reason, they're incapable of this, idk) and women are so nice and amazing and i love them! but i do feel attraction to men's faces/features though. it's like i see men as muses, i love the idea of them, but i never myself give them the liberty of being “them”. they should be perfect men in order for me to be like, yeah i like this guy. maybe i'm a #womaninmalefields. with women, i'm more of an observer, if I like a woman, i like her completely, i don't put her in bounds, i enjoy her company, i like listening to her opinions. with men, it's like i am walking on eggshells, that he'll say something that is so baffling i won't even believe he's serious. it feels like i'm constantly watching my footsteps or being conscious around them. it feels like a cognitive dissonance, to like someone whom i also am afraid of, in general.
this makes me drift towards women, but where i live, being open in a wlw relationships is not only problematic, people find it either “not real” or fetishize it. the jokes of “scissoring” or the boys thinking i look at women the same way they look at women, and how they degrade women and think they're complementing them. while straight women either dismiss me being bi or question me endlessly on what is my type in women, or if i like them, and if not, why? also, I find it wierd when straight women flirt with me in a friendly manner, i know they're joking and it's fine mostly, but it would be so wierd if *i* do the same, bc then it would feel awkward, as i DO INFACT am capable of romantically liking women. so my flirting is seen as serious while theirs is not.
i'm sorry if it felt like a rant. bc it was lol. it's like i'm battling with this dilemma of finding men attractive while also knowing they are in general, VILE people who don't look at women as humans. and finding women attractive but feeling like an odd one out bc i am scared to be in a relationship with a woman in the society i live in, it won't be considered serious enough, or real enough, and i'm a person who doesn't like doing casual relationships, so what if we're commited and parents are against it? and society shuns is? we get beaten up or worse things like that? i need to get financially independent. i don't even know how to approach a woman bc it feels so scary, what if she's not into women and feels threatened by me?(people in my area don't have good image of people attracted to same gender, they find it 'wierd')
i end up being in this place where i feel like i'm not straight enough for the heterosexuals and not gay enough for the homosexuals. and i feel like i have no hope for romance in my life.