Just wanna rant and ask for other people's opinion

I hope this doesn't get taken down because this site is kind of a reddit for me.

Anyways, I came across this topic about hypersexuality and I have a somewhat similar experience. But i don't wanna share it there coz that's their thing not mine.

To be honest, as I am currently in the path of psychology, I don't wanna say I am hypersexual without proper diagnosis (tho it's not really considered as a condition or what), but I'm experiencing similar.

Just for the context, i have this 'you-know-what' trauma that recurred to me this year. Like I completely forgot about it coz it happened when I was like 6 or 7. I always remember it (not vividly) but i chose to ignore it because I'm not expressive with my family and i would just like to think of it as something that is not a big deal. After all, I've been living my life not caring about it. However, as i keep studying psychology, I realized that it's actually a big big deal. I only realized it now that I'm an adult. Also just realized that I'm actually avoiding it.

However, because of what happened to me when i was young, I've been very sexual (tho the only thing i do is rubbing, still a virgin) growing up. Like literally everyday, then I'm gonna stop for like weeks or months then do it again.

I'm actually in a somewhat long relationship. At first, doing things with them is fine, pleasurable. We haven't done the deed but we've crossed bases now. Anyways, after having some realization with my trauma, I realized that I can't imagine myself having sex with anyone else. Even to the point that I'm fine dying as a virgin (i know overreacting but). I feel like pleasuring myself is already fine. I don't need anything else. Suddenly, I'm just disgusted with the thought of it.

I've always been a manhater, but because of my trauma, it becomes worse. I love my lover. They are kind, love me so much, and never made me feel like I'm less or they have bad intentions to me. It's just a me problem.

I love fiction dih, but not so for real dih.

Disclaimer: I know therapy is the solution but my family is very traditional and not open with that idea. Just wanna ask your thoughts.

Also this is my personal experience and I'm not encouraging anyone who have similar trauma to not make a big deal out of it.

Sorry for my english as i am not native. Thank you very much. (づ￣ ³￣)づ