A hopeless hypersexual person asking for advice

Hello, this is my very first time doing this question thingy after a few years of using this site.. So I'm not quite sure if I'm doing this right.. ՞߹ - ߹՞

Anyway, I would like to rant about something and would like some advice or answers (?) huhu!.. I hope this doesn't get taken down or get negative reactions..

I am currently suffering from extreme headache and cold as I'm typing this, so consider this as like, being honest asf when drunk, so I don't know if I'll be speaking well lol.

Oks, so, I'm having this shower thought or sumt whatever u call it.. I'm a very hypersexual virgin, so I have little to no experience w this. (I had online rs's, and yes, I would go far w "video calling" and do stuff, but that's it)

I'm wondering, everytime I do self-pleasure, (as I said, im hypersexual, I can't help it) I always need material right? So I js go on here or other sites to find one, and mid "pleasure", I would always think abt having THE stuff done to me as well. I imagine stuff VERY vividly, so I get off liek, easily lol. And yes, I fantasize those A LOT, even after pleasure moment..

But lately, after doing "those", Ive been having post nut-clarity (m a girl, but I do feel ts), not about reality, but the Ick of thinking abt doing it with someone..

I like this guy, and we joke around being freaky. I've always been a freaky person, and I won't deny that. But I influenced the guy lowk, and I think he likes me since he's willing to go far to joke w me abt ts.. And back then, I wouldn't mind. But nowadays, I js.. Get the Ick when being freaky w him. I don't mind, but I genuinely don't wanna be freaky anymore, like w him. Even with other friends in general that im close with (like, topics we relate and shit), I js wanna keep the freakiness to myself. And lowkey, Im loosing interest. Not because of the freakiness, but because of how I'm not in the mood to focus on personal relationships and such.

I had an ex and after that ex, I had a hookup thinking we could be together, yes, but most of it were js abt lust, and I regret calling those "love" when most of it were js us fucking around. (online btw, I hate to admit)

I think it was because of my hypersexuality, and wanting someone to relieve it w me, I js realized it b4 that it was disgusting, and I regret every single bit of it.

Continuing on, I used to always think abt stuff being done to me, but nowadays, I js.. Only think abt it mid pleasure, because ofc, it increases my libido or sumt. But after doing such, I legit have the Ick of thinking abt it w someone, or even with the person I like. I suddenly js dont like the action done towards me.

I like seeing people getting it on, aka voyeurism (right..?), but as I said, I don't want it done to me. I used to fantasize abt it because of my hypersexuality, but I js prefer looking at people doing it, and I feel like.. Toys would be better than actual humans.

Idk whats wrong w me lol, I don't have money or time to fix my hypersexuality (I don't have trauma, I was js exposed at a rlly young age), so I js cope by doing pleasure lmaoo..

Anyway, I js wonder, why am I suddenly getting disgusted when it comes to being freaky w people or thinking abt it having done to me, but I literally get off to people doing it? Ik its voyeurism, but ik there's more to that. I used to be a hopeless romantic, yet thinking abt being w someone makes me.. Idk, off? I don't want to be in an rs anymore, aka I'm being cupioromantic I guess..

But why? Why did my feelings suddenly change? The guys I like is better than my exes, yet when he tries to flirt or be freaky like me, I get icked? I used to be head over heels for him, get off to his voice (ehem.. Yes..), but not anymore. I'm loosing interest on him. And I'm fine with fangirling as a fujoshi and have butterflies when reading romance, but I don't desire for such to happen to me. I'm contemplating sm about my mixed feelings and thoughts that I'm feeling nauseous as I'm typing now.

I used to like being in a relationship, but suddenly turn to not liking being in one. I just want friendship, maybe platonic at most? Idk anymore. I'm js, my head is overthinking and overwhelmed by these unnecessary thoughts.

I'm struggling with hypersexuality, yet I don't want anyone to help me with it, like a lover or a hookup or someone I like idk????!! I genuinely js want toys, like, I feel like toys would help me and I would be completely fine with those and be happy w my life. I really don't know anymore. I'm turning 18 next year (I hope my age doesn't shock anyone), so I want to be able to save for toys to be able to cope with my hypersexuality and the shit I'm struggling with.

Sorry for the rant, I'm not in my right mind as I am typing this, so I will defo have second hand embarrassment when my head is clear.. Also, I won't read all of this and js post this since my head is rlly painful and I feel sick still, so I'm sorry if whatever I said is confusing. I just wanna rant.. ಥ_ಥ

If anyon3 has answers or advice, pls do tell! I don't mind any brutal honesty, or criticism, or anything, I'm fine witht anything! Thank you for reading this rant, if anyone has questions, u can ask, i'll do my best to answer :) (I feel so bad for my mom for havinf a daughter like me.. Lol.)