"Doomed yaoi" he called us

I'm really trying hard, BUT HOLY SHIT I can't stop thinking about my friend. For some context, we met on the first day of school, I overheard him talking about an anime, and I stupidly jumped in. After that, he convinced me to join in with him in rotc. (Yeah, idk why I was so convinced by him) anywho, after being in that class, that's when I started teasing him a LOT. I remember he was shocked/or mad when I showed him my pins for rotc, because since I acted so dumb he expected me to have lower ranks. But, then I started getting nervous around him. I don't remember why, but during marching I just kept feeling like he was staring.

Fast forward to our 2nd year, we had no classes together. I don't remember what happened, but we were talking and he jokenly said something like "we used to be so close" and I honestly was upset. I couldn't tell if he said that as a joke or not, but I really didn't take it as one. During that same last year I was struggling with mental health issues, and I'd been cutting off hangouts with people, just like him. So when he said that, I was shocked. I didn't even consider him a friend then and now. After that, I just started to ignore him more.

And of course he noticed when I tried walking away from him. It started as a joke, but it was kinda escalating. Mostly because of me. I was getting jealous of his friends. If I can't even be close to him or hold a normal conversation then why even be friends. Everyone else can be friendly towards him, so why would I even matter to him. I don't wanna force any friendship, especially when I'm acting rude to him. I know it's an ass move of me, but i really don't think he'll care or notice.

I'm already missing our first year memories, because I know he doesn't want me as a friend. Sure, maybe he doesn't "hate me" he's told me that, but it doesn't change how I feel. He's can be an ass sometimes, but its only because I do dumb stuff around him. I never tell him how I truly feel, and I hate it. It fees like if I say anything vulnerable he'll just use it against me. I don't want our relationship to be anything more. I just want us to be teasing each other. That's honestly enough for me. I sorta hate him, but I'm also a little obsessed.

Extra memories: I remember when I jokenly called him my "sugar baby" because I gave money out to him. (Little did he know I only gave it out because I was kinda suicidal and thought "if im gonna die might as well give him things.") I remember during one after-school time, when we had to get hours, he sat on my lap. That specific memory makes me laugh so much. Usually he's all calm and nonchalant, but whenever he teases me or tries to be "freaky" back it's just adorable, I like that side of him more. He used to pop in my class and ask to play games on my phone while I did my homework, and he sneaked through my artwork, and he actually complimented me. I felt so weird when he did that, but he kept saying how my art was good and he was gonna "steal" it. There's a lot of things he did, like also tried teasing me by calling me a "good boy." And telling me to bark or get on the ground to embarress me, but little did he know I had almost no shame. So I did that stuff, but then he just got embarrassed. What wonderful memories.