Am I a bad person? (sensitive, gender, sexuality)
I want to confess something cruel inside me that I've been hiding. It contains sensitive content about gender and sexuality, and if you're someone who struggles or struggled before, maybe it's not good for you to read my confession because I could be insensitive and slightly homophobic along the lines. But if you're okay with that, then you may proceed. Just please, if you disagree with me, I beg you not to attack me too harshly. And I know it's probably best to send it to R*ddit, but I think this is the right place to do it.
Well then, I'll try my best to keep it compact.
I've (20F) grown up in a conservative religious family, where gender determines how we act and what we do. I've always been able to accept it, not ever questioning why I'm born as a female and not a male, because it's always been like that for me.
As I grew up, I eventually realized that I'm attracted to both girls and boys. I first noticed it when I was young and developed a crush on a girl. Later, I also realized I was still attracted to boys, and after another crush on a girl during middle school, I became certain that I was bisexual (or maybe pansexual, because gender has never really mattered much to me).
Even when I discovered my sexuality quite young, I accepted it with no problems. I never felt the need to come out because I don't really see why people need to know what I'm attracted to.
At the same time, however, my brother struggled with his gender and sexuality. I could see how much it affected him. I understood his frustration, especially the feeling that maybe life would've been easier if he had been born a girl. Eventually, he made peace with it and accepted himself, even when my parents didn't. I accepted him too, and he also knows about my sexuality.
However, despite all that, there is still something that bothers me. While I'm open about people in the LGBTQ+ community, I've never been able to understand one particular thing: gender identity.
Like I said before, I've always accepted my gender because it simply is what it is. I learned about intersex people when I was younger, and I understand how people can be categorized as intersex biologically and medically. What I don't understand is why some people say they feel different from the gender they were assigned at birth, which often leads them to identify as transgender or nonbinary.
No matter how I look at it, I can't seem to understand why they feel different. I understand when people express frustration with their gender because of their sexuality and sometimes wish they had been born another gender. But people who are confused about their gender itself genuinely confuse me. Sometimes I want to blurt out, "What is there to be confused about?" But I know I can't say that because I don't really know what they're experiencing internally.
I've seen a few manga and films that use the topic of "gender confusion/questioning." I've tried to understand through it, because I can see things through their POV, but I still can't. I would think like, "I don't get why they're confused when they don't really have intersex problems; it's just a mental thing. Can't they just go to therapy and work it out?". And whenever thoughts like that cross my mind, I get mad at myself, because I know mental and psychological issues are real things and affect all of us, and we can't judge other people just like that. But I can't keep lying to myself that whenever I see that topic, these thoughts don't cross my mind, these horrible thoughts. It's like I'm being insensitive and inconsiderate, and I feel horrible every time. I'm scared of becoming narrow-minded and hurting someone because of my ignorance.
I know I look like a fool, but this is a big deal for me. Because since I was a kid, I've been able to easily accept and understand things, so why is this one thing that I can't seem to understand? What should I do to make myself more understanding? Am I hopeless? Are you disgusted?
