How's life?
Mine got really fucked up, lowk got depressed because I was so introverted and literally have 0 social skills which lead me to secretly drop out of school due to my fear of socializing in my new school in senior. Mind you, I moved out and had no choice to be independent at the ripe age of 15. (Lit just threw me into battle without any weapons) Though, I had no problems with my financial expenses and I was living alone in a apartment complex but it was really lonely.
My family were always busy but they do check up on me time to time, I come from a family of business so just imagine the pressure of expectations that everyone has on me. (I'm an only child and I'm the eldest grandchild) Everyone was really supportive but the pressure slowly drowned me which lead me to go insane. I felt like I dissociated in that 2 years of living there, I lied to everyone about my situation, I lied that I was doing great in school, I lied that I had friends. In truth, I was actually just inside my apartment — only going to buy something to eat or go home to my hometown in the weekends (it's only an an hour and 30 mins away). Somehow, I was so good at making up lies and wearing facades that made me look that I was genuinely okay when in reality I was mentally unstable.
Living there was hell, I was sleep deprived and trying all sorts of shit to distract myself. My hygience was so bad and I got even fatter because eating became my coping mechanism. I have PCOS (since 13 I think) I was really insecure cus of my fatass, especially when the first thing that people notice is my appearance. They make fat jokes and shit which horribly affected my mental health even further, its not like I wanted to be fat in the first place. I hated my body, I hated everything about myself — i just wanted to be loved.
I attempted a few times. for some reason, my mom or someone else would arrive just in time to stop me. I tried telling my mom that I was depressed, she listened but she didn't really paid that much attention because in the end I manipulated her into thinking that I was ok now. As my last attempt (the very day I was supposed to graduate in senior) I bought pills and tried to OD. Unfortunately, I woke up in excruciating pain — I ended up vomiting and laid there in pain while crying pathetically. The same day, my family came to buy me stuff I needed for my graduation bc they actually thought I was graduating when all that shit was a lie. Of course I cleaned up and put up a facade of someone who isn't really me. Long story short, they found out.
My uncle who has a high position in the education something helped me explain, at that time he started living with me because he needed a place to stay. He said that the graduation was yesterday and he thought that they attended bc I told him which lead everyone into finding out my lies. I told everything to him in a separate room and he became my speaker and explained to everyone. My mom almost hysterical, my aunt and uncle were shocked, my grandma was sad. I was pathetically crying in that room while he explained to everyone and how he finally understood why I kept asking him about when will he go home (he goes home as well in the weekends)
Long story short, my entire family found out and they were seriously disappointed. Though, some understood me especially my mom. It was rough, my dad became cold to me and I was scared to visit my grandparents. They took my phone because they thought it would help but it made it worse bc I have online friends that became my source of strength too. My dad tried telling me to cut off contact with them but I didn't. But as time pass, my family accepted it and began to slowly understand me. As much as I want to go to therapy and ob-gyne, I can't. There's too many expenses and I don't want be a burden. I really want to be checked and confirm that I'm actually diagnosed.
Now, I'm back at school but it's ALS. I only go to school once a week, everyone there especially the teachers were so understanding and genuinely fun to be with. They were more understanding than your normal typical teacher, I don't feel that pressure of studying anymore. I'm slowly progressing and healing with my family, I got closer to my parents in the end after tons of arguments and misunderstanding. My family finally agreed to let me choose what I wanted for my college course. In the end, they still promised me that they'll support me financially in my education.
Ps: I wouldn't want anyone to be in my position and experience the very same pain, loneliness and fear I felt. Whoever is reading this, I hope that you're doing well and thank you for taking your time into reading my story.
