Loosing it
I made a new account when I'm not even active for ts but I need to vent ig???
This was posted 2 days ago, this is just a repost bc it only now got verified.
I just hate feeling feminine I dont know why like my mother put me in this dress and I have to go out, I dont even have shorts under I feel so uncomfortable I started crying and she can't even fathom it's because I dont want to wear this shitty ass dress that barely covers shit
Anyways I get im weird, I'm happy I'm an A cup and used to pray my breast never grew bigger, even rn im scared to wear proper bras bc what if it makes my chest lift up and makes them more visible
It's not even that big of a deal, ik at the start I said I dislike being feminine but idk I just don't want to wear dresses, I dont want to wear that classic clean girl makeup and I just dont get being a lady, I dont want to. Whenever I have to do things like that, I dont feel like me like who tf is this, I feel so disgusted and barfy just to do 'stereotypical women things'
No joke I started to cry (well not full blown bawling but there were tears) bc of just having to wear a dress in public. It's always like this, always, and it's not bc im scared something will inappropriate will happen to me or some reasonable bs, I just dont like being a 'girl'
I don't WANT to be a young lady anytime soon it's stiffiling, being like a girl feels stuffing and ik I'm overreacting and shit bc it's not srs but I dont feel like mysef whenever I have to
I'm well over my preteens, im legit graduating jn and yet im still like this, it just keeps getting worse as well, I wish I thought and felt normal about these things
Idk if I want to be a guy, Ik I dont wish I was born as well, bc I also think I wouldn't be myself then, and maybe if I was born a guy id be a shitty one who knows, but if I had to choice now, I'd do it in a heartbeat and idk why
When i also think of having to be a guy tho I feel like I'll just come back feeling the same thing as well, I think the problem is I can't be normal no matter what, I can't fit I question things normal ppl just dont question, I get angry and annoyed at the things normal ppl consider normal and precious, im just a strange awful person
Ik why my mom those things like this ik she doesn't know what I think ik allat ik it's just me who 'doesn't want to be a girl' im stupid
Messages
can you stop with the laughing emojis. crying emojis are much better. anyways you should tell your mom you don't like wearing clothes like that. I don't like wearing dresses either. It's cold and my legs are hairy asl. I'm not an expert on this so don't get mad at me. You don't wanna be a guy but you don't like being feminine. Uhhh I don't know man just choose the clothes you wanna wear or whatever. Ok I'll stop now I don't even know what i'm saying
I dont even remember why I used Laughing emojis but I'll use just 4 u, honestly this is THE solution, but it rly isn't easy 4 me to get said solution
you're not stupid at all, it's okay to be uncomfortable with a certain type of clothes, if you dont wanna wear it you shouldnt force yourself
you're feeling disphoria, and you dont need to be trans to feel it
maybe you're just a girl who's struggling stereotypes and self expression
or you could be trans, not necessarily a guy, toi could be on the non binary spectrum
do you want to talk about it with me more in details ?
struggling with *
Ig I want too talk about it bc it rly feels like I dont even get myself.I say I hate wearing dresses, but only in public where others can see me, I only wear dresses with my main family, anyone else including friends and other family members seeing me in a dress actually makes me upset. Maybe I just dont like getting "dolled up" I dont even like that phrase.
And now it's not even just dresses, atp I hate wearing women's clothes in general and the only reason I still wear dresses in my home is bc of the heatwaves happening at my country, hell I just treat them like those pajamas.
Maybe I do just need to express myself more, but honestly when I think about myself in the future, I dont see me wearing dresses or skirts, maybe unless I figure out why my reaction to it is so negative.
I feel so awful that my mother spends her time buying dresses and skirts, and things a normal girl would probably love, adore and appreciate, but I just can't, I feel disgusted and upset, she always buys these clothes without asking for my input, even if I hate dresses or shit, it isn't even my 'style' my mother genuinely diesnt trust me or gives me opportunities to find out about myself, and dress for myself, I have to dress in her image. She said it herself, she likes having girl children so she could 'dress them up' and I highkey just hate the process of that, dolling up, dress up, look good, beauty is pain. and I have to act happy, I'm do ungrateful, I can't find it in me to find real happiness for this ever. I dread knowing one way or the other, I'll have to wear it anyways and 'adjust'
Even after going out in public with my mind in such a 'I hate this' state, I have to adjust, get used to it, pretend nothings wrong (all of this sounds so cringe now that im typing it out) and I do adjust, until I go home, take it out, feel upset all over again, another day happens where I need to go out by my mother, feelings resumes, rinse and repeat.
I dont like looking at my body either, I could only stare at it for a bit b4 having to look away, and it isn't bc im conscious about how I look, if anything I think im 'good looking enough' in terms of that, I'm just upset how much of a 'girl' I look like, the only reason im conscious about my body is bc i look to much like a girl, like no shit, it rly does make me feel stupid.
I also get sick when ppl make gender stereotypes in general, in fact for a bit I thought I was transphobic and felt so guilty, but in reality it was simply just a very small minority of trans ppl who were saying that women/men have to be a certain way, plus ik I hate cis ppl like that too, atp I hate anyone who says that you have to be a certain way to match your sex, gender or wtv, so I think I just dont like gender norms in general, gender norms always gave me this awful reaction. I still feel weird about that. Ik im not explaining myself rn or in the question but like im said im just very confused.
It's been years since I feel like this, like I said, it just keeps getting worse, my reactions more absurd and emotional, and I genuinely feel sick, I feel distraught. Maybe its my fault for pushing back on thinking about it for so long thinking these feelings of mine would 'just go away' bc it's still here, loud and strong
I'm sorry, I make no sense and am just talking to talk and get it out, you said I dont have to force myself but I feel like I have to, even though I feel a sense of 'hate' for why I have to dress like that and why my mom forces me to do so, I dont hate my mom, quite the contrary, I hurt her to much, I want to minimise it, I want her not to feel annoyed about me for atleast something, but my feeling of hate for this is tm, and I let it show, so I still hurt her, but at least she thinks im 'a normal girl who likes the clothes she gets' she whole-heartedly believes I like being feminine. I did try to express what clothes I prefer and wtv, but it went one ear, out the other, and honestly im not even trying that hard, bc I dont want her to ever fully know the truth, it'll hurt her tm that im the way I am.
I just live thinking 'when I move out' I'll get to feel comfortable in my skin for once.
This rly is tmi, but I never talk about this with anyone, I have a friend who ik would probably get this but I have a high aversion towards confiding about this to my friends.
Figuring out my sexuality was such a breeze as well that im even more upset, what good is knowing I dont mind dating either sex if im not only single, but dont even know myself or my gender