swashbuckler's Things

Okay so I'm still a teenager, and I already feel hopeless about racism I'm black obvs, and I thought Id accepted how hopeless the situation is but I can't help but feel upset. And it just makes me cry, because I can't change my skin tone and I can't make people perceive my skin tone differently.

Even people I thought were my friends have this subconscious bias of me, they think I'm dumber, more aggressive, meaner. I just don't get it and I'm tired. No matter how much logic and reasoning you give a racist, nothing ever changes. Even those of you reading this who think you're not racist, if you look deep enough, you will find racism. Me included. No one is safe from it. But being a black woman, one of the most hated races is just, idk. With black men, at least they can ditch their blackness by prioritising their identity as men, but being black and a woman is like, it's a whole seperate category that I can never escape from. I can't just ditch being black and stick with woman, because Ill be shunned by women who see me as rough and loud off the getgo. And I can't ignore my identity as a woman to embrace my blackness because misogynoir is very much real in the black community.

I love being a black woman, I truly do, but when simple videos of black babies having fun, or black women commenting on the mundane draw hundreds of racist comments. Seeing a surge in Japanese people who have never even once spoken to a black person say they're scared of black people. Listening to my own friend tell me his entire group of friends dislike black women in particular, not the men no but the women. Black men too hate black women, it just gets fucking tiring. I wish I lived on a planet of only black women and I'm finding it increasingly harder to stay full of love and see the best in people because truly you never know who's a racist. It's more than just being afraid of what people think, people are KILLED for their skin tone. Not to mention I live in Scotland. They're friendly over here, but you can absolutely sense that they view you differently. I'm so tired. I can't even try rely on escapism in media because there will always be either a racist caricature or the darker skinned character is barbaric/strong, or they're just plot fodder and never important.

I'm just tired. And that's why it pisses me off when people dismiss racism in Asian media because there are real people like me who suffer the consequences of this racism and know there is NOTHING they can EVER do about it.

Sorry a bit of a rant but I truly have no where else to go I'm on my last straw lol

So it's my last month or so at my school before exams, and then after exams I'm never coming back, but that's cos I'm leaving school a year early. For fellow Scots I'm in s5 and for the english I'm in y11, so next year isn't exactly 6th form it's just like another year of school IDC SCOTLAND'S SCHOOL SYSTEM WORKS DIFFERENT AND IS WAY EASIER I'M NOT TRANSLATING.

back to the main point, I'm leaving, this guy i like is not. I started liking him slightly about a year ago when I noticed he'd stare at me in maths. At first he was kinda an NPC cos we've been in the same home room for five years and never spoken and like barely interacted unless we needed to, plus he just got quieter and quieter over time so yk. But once I was staring into space giggling in maths and I like snap out of it and lock eyes with him while I still have a smug smirk on my face (I remembered something funny) and there was no one to my left or right so I looked fucking crazy and I was mortified he'd caught me looking like an absolute dolt right. But ever since then I'd glance at him cos I was like humiliated and scared he'd catch me doing something fucking tapped again, and I noticed more often than not he'd be staring at me and I realised in the like four or five classes we had together, he'd always be staring and I was like fuuuuckkk

So all this observing him and I started to be like damn he makes my pussy wet cos he's tall, really deep voice, really restrained and low key nonchalant (not in the annoying way) and also really quiet, plus he does this thing where he never fully smiles like he holds it back and it's really cute, plus he's super smart and takes a bunch of STEM subjects but he's shit at english and lit subjects which is the exact opposite of me- basically he's my exact opposite which is like my type precisely and I'm like oh my GOD #needdat

Recently I've been like grieving that I'll never see him or my sexy geography teacher ever again, but I was like yooo shi could I not just like... Make a move???? I don't think he likes me or is interested anymore so I just like be delusional cos MANE IDK like today all our portfolios were on his desk, and he saw me confused cos like I'm an open book my emotions are written on my face so I was confused cos I couldn't see mine, and he like looked at me then looked down and started looking for it and gave it to me but he didn't do that w anyone else so i was like yeah he needs this heh. Then the teacher asked him to help me w something and I was too scared to turn around and face him but fuck his voice I felt like the twink from sign I nearly squirted right then and there... I think I'm ovulating I tried pretending to be a helpless fool so he'd stay longer but he explained that shit quick as hell then left ugh. He was totes just shy.... ANYWAYS


long ass rant but basically do you guys think I should make a move? And what should i do