♡✿PierceSterm✿♡'s Things

i keep having the same awful dream. in this dream bc of my situation someone ends up dying, murdered. and its my fault. i had no choice but to kill them even though they were innocent and did nothing wrong. but if i hadn't i didnt know what would happen to me. i have to live with there remains hidden away in a bag to remind me everyday what i had done, constantly in fear and immense guilt if i should turn myself in bc there death was all my fault, i murdered them. constantly remembering me covered in blood knowing i had taken some ones life. the pressure is so heavy, "im a murderer, i killed someone, but what happens in i turn myself in, what happens to the person who made me kill them? i love that person i cant do that to them. what would they do to ME." and the guilt slowly builds up. every time i wake up and slowly peek my eyes open to see the light coming from the curtain i cry. im hit with relief, im scared and i feel guilty. i know its fake but in my mind i still killed someone. its a feeling i can never describe. being so torn and absolutely fucking fearing for my life everyday. the guilt eating me alive knowing i killed someone so selfishly, and that i was still hiding there remains, and if i told and gave myself up, the fear of not knowing what was going to happen to me. what was going to happen to the person who forced me to kill them. even tho its just a dream it feels so real every time i want to vomit. seeing blood everywhere the panic, the fear, the guilt, it really is something i cant explain. its the worst feeling i have ever had in my life and it eats me alive even though i know its fake.

i dont know do get over it, even after waking up i still feel so guilty that i killed someone. i can barely tell what was the dream and what was the reality. i found myself wanting to give myself up the second i woke up just to realize ill seem crazy if i do, and that it was all just a dream and i never really did anything. idk what to do maybe i am crazy- i never had a dream that felt so horribly real. also the loved one is my mother. i have a very complicated relationship with her which makes everything 10x harder...
maybe i need therapy-

Ok I have a genuine question, as someone who is bisexual and gender-fluid as In I see myself as he/she/they meaning I see myself as a woman and man (and in between or sometimes none) is it fetishizing for me to read BL? I also read GL but no one ever talks about it so but anyway I’m genuinely confused because people say it’s fetishizing gay men to like yaoi as a straight woman, but as someone who is a woman and a man is it wrong?(when I say BL I mean the whole category not just yaoi)

I'm bored so I feel like starting a question because I feel like I'll get some interesting answers. Personally for me an ick I have is people opening doors (like a car) for you or pulling out your chair during a date. I know is a stupid one and a lot of ppl like it, but for me it just feels a little disrespectful ToT?? Idk maybe it just hurts my ego X.x feel free i give your icks or bad date experiences in the replys.╮(＾▽＾)╭

Ok I know I asked like a question like an hour ago buuuttt I can't find anything when I search for it so this is my last resort . You know how there are those BLs where The MC like dies (or doesn't) and gets put into I a novel or a game. Is there a BL where the MC IS the character from a novel or book and gets put into the real world, like earth? Bc I think that would be pretty cool. If it does exist leave some recs if it doesn't someone should make one. I think a novel character trying to figure out the internet would be funny ╮(￣▽￣)╭

Ok so there's this BL I read a long time ago and forgot to put in my read and I want to find it. Basically I'm pretty sure this guy wakes up in another world and he is like a side character of that world?? And he gives the main guy of that world a love potion and they fall in love, but I think he reveals its a spell and then They fall in love for real?? And the guy he gives the potion to is a prince? Idk I read it a long time ago but now its bugging me and I wanna find it. PLZ HELP