Ami~

im still going through a similar trauma. i don't think i'll ever truly love again any time soon, but i know i've gotten better and i'm getting closer. take some time to yourself. go out to places, go shopping, go out to breakfast. if you can't take yourself, go with a close friend or family member like your mom. write or draw vent if you cant express it with words, understand that healing is a long process and it's not instant, but realize that time heals all wounds and it will get better eventually. stay healthy even if you mental state leads you to neglecting yourself. make sure to eat right and drink water, and maintain your hygiene so you feel at least physically good. make sure you have healthy coping mechanisms and don't do anything that could make your mental state worse. create fun memories with your friends that make you cherish them more and therefore learning to trust again. it's a slow process, but you just have to take care of yourself and treat yourself right and let time guide you. you will be okay. you will love and trust again someday. people in your life will be there for you and there to help you and it's okay to tell them what's going on.

PTSD can sometimes cause a chemical reaction that causes you to have other mental disorders. What you’re describing sounds like ROCD (relationship OCD). I recommend on going onto Reddit, r/OCD , and describing what you just said here. There are a lot of people who deal with similar issues, and it’s a very helpful community. I use it as a resource, too.

My family is actually a major reason for my trauma and they think that if you need a therapist that you're probs crazy. I want to heal so bad but the sucky part is that, like you said, it'll take time. I guess I just have to be patient and hope for the best. Treating myself right is probably the most difficult part but I want to at least try and put in the minimum effort.

I hope you'll be able to love again, maybe not today or tomorrow or in the next few years but I have faith that you'll be able to love again. And also be loved with a greater magnitude. Fear is really what leads us by the noses nowadays.

Reddit? I've never been on it before. I think I'll try it! Thank you so much!

Long story short, sit down...take a breather or two...n tell ur story from start to finish, share it to someone u know will not judge u, discriminate u, or even not believe in u...and once your done telling your story and calming down a little bit more, you’ll feel like a haven weight is off of ur shoulders, trust me when I say this...

Have you maybe tried talking to someone? Or maybe telling them exactly what you have written here?
Just a thought but loving yourself takes time, someone can’t just tell you to start suddenly loving yourself. You need to maybe start finding yourself or surround yourself with people that could maybe understand or help you in some way. Maybe as a starting point try to think positive of yourself. Having hatred towards yourself won’t do you anything.
It must be really hard with what you are going through but having someone who knows what is happening right now in your life can be a big weight lifted off your shoulders. It would mean in a way that you ain’t alone. Btw. being serious at times can be a good thing not always but it can.
But that’s just my opinion though lmao

Just be yourself.

I'm sorry, I can't really relate to the social anxiety part. But If you want advice from someone who used to look in the mirror and wanted to claw away her skin and nearly cried in selfloathing I will try:-) Start with a lie and turn it into reality. Stand in Front of the mirror, straighten your bag puff your chest out take your shoulders bag and give the mirror your most convincing "I am the baddest bitch in town and everyone who tells me differently is just jealous"-stare. How breath deep and savor this image. Everytime you feel anxiety, take a deep breath and make an effort to straighten your back. One day it will become an automatism. Until then: Stay strong and push trough:-)

I have social anxiety.
It really helped me to study stoicism. Like the proper philosophy.
Essentially, it boils down to you can't truely control 99% of life. Not the weather, political movements, your physical circumstances, when you will die, whether someone likes you or not...etc. etc. Etc. So why worry about all that?
But what you can control is your reaction to circumstances.
It's your free will that can lead to your contentment.

It's all about perspective.
If it rains, instead of lamenting that its raining, you can choose to go inside or to wear a raincoat.
If the political environment is divisive, you have the option to choose a side and fight or not.
If someone doesn't like you, there is very little you can physically do to change their mind. You can however, change your behavior to make yourself more likable, or at very least, less offensive.

Likewise, If you don't like yourself, you can choose to improve yourself. Change your behavior to make you more likable to yourself, or at very least, less offensive. You have that absolute right.

Its all about recognising your choices, pursuing the ones you feel most comfortable with and accepting the consequences of those choices. This is life. You just have to see it like that. Change your perspective.

What is it you don't like about yourself? Can you change it? How can you change? Do you want to really? Is it really that bad in the grand scheme of things? If you can't change it, can you accept it? None of us are perfect, so can you accept your imperfections? Really analyze and know yourself as best as you can. Your core. What matters to you. What doesn't even though you think it should. Accept yourself as you are now. This is you, with all your flaws. And then look forward to growing into who you want to be.

I am a coward. I couldn't speak to normal people face to face. Conversation always seems to go above or around me and i can't keep up. I felt, foolish and slow and a bother. I dreaded speaking to people, even though i felt i wanted to belong. That ice queen thing you mentioned feels really familiar.
So I researched how to hold a conversation. Read books. Took a public speaking class. Found a group of like minded people so it was easier to follow the conversation. And I'm a better conversationalist now. I improved myself.
I'm still a coward. There's lots of things besides conversation that paralyze me with fear. And I hate that about myself, but I am better.
It was a matter of research, practice and a change of environment.
I can improve myself. I have that control over myself if little else in life.
And you do too.

Maybe you'll just skip all this and write it off as inspirational mumbo jumbo. And that's fine. We all find our own path in life.
If you take nothing else away, know this: You're Not Alone. Keep Fighting.

You are quite similar to me but my social anxiety is way milder.I think the best option is to talk to a therapist but if u don't want to do that for now, taking up hobbies that are social like a book club or a sports class can be helpful.also try to make others happy by sharing a joke u read yesterday or just compliment them,it makes both of u feel good.also cut from ur internet time each day,it has ben proved to make u anxious.U can overcome this sadness,don't worry :)

Thank you so much! ╥﹏╥

You're so cool. You're awesome. I feel so lucky to have read this today. I'm gonna put what you said into practice cuz I've always been scared of rejection cuz I know whe I'm being used but I never speak up against it cuz I have such few friends. Thank you so much for this and I hope you are also able to get your dream job and succeed at it so much that you won't even wanna die anymore. As for now, the things/people I live for are my mum and my best friends. Hope is the one thing that I always want to be able to have at the end of the day. Even if I know all is futile, thank you so much for your advice, you're too kind. ╥﹏╥

If multiple people have told you that you're cruel and heartless, then you need to take a good look at your words and actions. What have you said that has hurt others? How have you said it? Maybe these people just happen to be incredibly sensitive, but it could be that you are incredibly unaware of the things that you are doing and saying.

I also have a bit of social anxiety and I find it's easiest to manage when I have at least one good friend with me. I don't know if this would work in your case as my anxiety is much milder than yours.

On that note, I highly suggest you seek professional help if you can. Hating yourself to the extent that you do is not normal and could be signs of a bigger problem at hand.