Rynrunner04's Things

I swear it's on the days i am exhausted and have being doing so much exercise that i end up not being able to fall asleep. Like everything hurts and i just need peace, but my brain can't turn off. I'm stuck in a loop of my worst hits: every embarrassing thing that's ever happened, my regrets, and my anxiety about future events. It's like my body is finally still, but my brain is still running a marathon. I take melatonin too...

But since I'm here ranting, this entire week I've been faced with ultimatums that are also keeping awake. There's so many things i want to go to or do, but unfortunately if i do one thing, i can't do the other. And options are something I'm not that interested in, but i have a higher chance of getting into and will have better career benefits, or something that i'd much rather be doing, but have lower odds of getting in. It's like when you choose colleges and you can only Early Decision to one place, so do you pick the school that you're only kinda into, but you know will boost your chances and it's still a pretty good school (oh, and everyone expects you to go there anyways), or place your bets on an ivy you've been dreaming of but likely won't get into? I'm really starting to hate making life decisions

I have dreams that aren't exactly recurring, but they have repetitive themes. Like i have a lot of zombie apocalypse dreams, but they're never the same. I also have dreams where my teeth with hurt A LOT and fall out (and it feels super real). Or another dream where I'll be trying to text someone (like a crush or a friend) something really important, but i keep pressing the wrong letters and i have to delete and start over until i get frustrated and give up. There's one where i finally end up with the person i love, but then halfway through the dream i look at them and they're totally a different person. I know the teeth dream is common, but i have no idea what the others mean. Wondering if anyone else has similar dreams?

Also, I had a really strange dream that i wanted to get my ears pierced with a second piercing (which is totally odd because for the longest time i decided i did NOT want to endure the pain of it). A while later, i was with my mom and she randomly asked me if i wanted to get my ears pierced. I asked how she knew and she said SHE had a dream about it! A couple of days later, i had it done. It has no real significance in my life, which is why it's such a weird thing to dream and prophesize.

I've been thinking about this for a while and I've decided I need to confess (again). I confessed when i first had a crush on him, before we became friends and it was a more nonchalant thing. He said he didn't want to date someone he was friends first.
Over the last 2 years, we've become friends (mostly through mutuals and group stuff). I realized recently that I have feelings again, which are definitely more serious. I was told by a mutual that after we hung out for the first time alone last week (farmers market trip), he asked his friend if they thought I still like him. The friend said it was possible, but could go either way and asked what he thought. He said he "had never thought about it before" and that he likes spending time with me. Knowing him, he probably didn't give it any more thought past that .
Even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way, I need to get it off my chest before he graduates next month and leaves for his job. Any advice on what to say? And how I might be able to get him alone without setting off the alarms in his head?

I'm in this club at my uni and it seemed great at first. I like what we do and it's my passion. Here's the thing: I've always had this weird vibe about some of the ppl in the club. Like we do all these bonding events, which are fun, but sometimes I feel invisible. A lot of them are in different sororities, so maybe it's that commonality? It's weird like I'll try to say something and they'll either just stare like I spoke a different language or talk over me as if I'm not there. It used to really drive me crazy and I started to dread being there. It's gotten better as ppl graduated and stuff, but it's still a select group of people that i feel odd around. I don't think it's me, because in every other club, people seem to enjoy talking to me.

I got dinner with a bunch of them tonight, and i swear they were all asking each other about summer plans, EXCEPT ME. I sat in the corner and barely said anything at all. I responded to other ppl's stories, but never was asked anything. I really felt like i was invisible. I don't know if this is crazy or what. I'm going to stay in the club because im not going to give up what i love, but I don't want to feel like an outsider anymore.

I had my bestie bake this niche pie that my crush and i talked about liking several months ago just so i would have an excuse to ask him to come over and have some. For context, i asked him out 2 years ago and he turned me down since we weren't really friends yet. We're now kinda friends (have a lot of mutuals and are in band together). I know he's a chronic overthinker, but he's also incredibly dense lol and didn't even question the pie. While we were talking, i mentioned how his friend asked my bestie to eat dinner he cooked, just the two of them, and that i thought it was strange but she wasn't phased. We agreed his friend probably likes her. I then realized I literally just asked HIM to come over and it was just the two of us...i also waited 3 days and then asked him to hang out JUST THE TWO OF US. He once again didn't even question it and said yes and now I'm wondering if he's even catching my hints or what i should even do when we hang out... thoughts? pls help guys im crashing out I've been calling it an "ambiguously friendly hangout" but idk what he thinks this is