LA0R0O's Things

anytime I'm scrolling through YouTube past 12 AM I get those weird videos with captions like "this is your last chance to repent to god" or something and it creeps me out alot, why do they keep showing up even tho I keep clicking uninterested

I'm REALLY not a fan of shoulder head rests, I actually don't get how would it ever be comfortable it feels like my shoulder is piercing through someone's skull and vice versa, how the fuck do you manage to like it?

describe yourself to me [personality wise], and if you have any hobbies, traits, or something special you have, and I will assign you a cat breed based on my knowledge

I feel so guilty for judging my siblings for the way they treat my parents. My parents are horrible people, I thought I had come a long way and that I learned to separate myself from them, but even after all this time, I keep thinking about them and worrying about how my siblings treat them.

Everyone reacts differently around trauma and abuse, I feel as though I've grown to normalize it towards myself, I expect people to hate me and point fingers at me while laughing, in a way, it's like telling myself that I'm the problem when I was the child being abused. I've dissociated their actions from them and now any time I remember how i had my head bashed against walls and body bruised up, I can't remember how they looked doing it. I also realize that a pattern appeared, that whenever we fight and it gets physical, I end up the one clinging to them and giving them affection.

My siblings are not the same, some of them are violent, I get why, and they vary in the severeness, my eldest sister whom I never even spoke to properly once in my entire life, resents my parents alot, my other sisters always tell me about the things she says about them, and even though both of us endured the same pain, we grew to have much different outlooks in life, and i feel like it's an instinct for me to feel repulsed anytime I hear how she speaks with our parents, I even judge her in my head, but seconds later, I realize it and feel extremely guilty

I guess even though my parents are horrible, a part of me understands why they're so fucked up in the head, my mum was literally born in an extremist traditionalist family during a war and my dad lived in poverty having to take responsibility of 13 siblings because my grandfather was a manwhore. They both endured so much and pretty much no one present in their life to be their anchor. I cant be mad at these people, they suffered so much, they're old now and fighting them just gets both parties hurt so I just stepped out of the house and went low contact with them. I don't get why my eldest sister bothers herself so much with them, or even go to such lengths to talk so horribly about them. I guess I'm still a prisoner in that house, because I can't find it in me to hate them the way she does,,

rant-ish story for the question:

I was on call with my sisters and we were kinda discussing true crime and crime shows, it somehow developed into speaking about the environment a killer grows into and how much the family affects his up bringing, and we dived into the topic of how we can define a 'good' family, I spoke once and it was to say that 'our family definitely isn't,' jokingly but my sister took it a little seriously and we started arguing what makes our family good

me and one of my sisters agree that our family can't be defined as good, as they have abused us both physically and mentally and they are not fit parents that neglected our needs for many years. but the other sister argued that they provided us with a 'normal life', so we asked her what do you define as a normal life and she said that they spend money on us, I told her that it's on basic needs, we lived in a home that on the outside did not lack anything, but if you look through the cracks of its members, you can see how much negligence went into each person. while living in that house, I was never ONCE taken to a dentist once in my life, I realize that many people don't go regularly, but 20 years of my life and not a single dentist doctor? when I visited one myself a few months ago, I was told my teeth were in such bad shape and there were a lot of gums damaged, we also discovered a tooth that was helf grown, it was something that bothered my for a while and I begged my mum to take me to the hospital but she kept refusing. they only took me to the hospital when I was on the verge of death [aka almost having a stroke.], I had to take things in my own hands and make the school take me to the hospital and contact my parents by showing my sickness in classes.

we kept going back and forth, in the end we just decided that we agree to disagree but I kind of just felt really off by it. this sister that was defending our family dynamic was, fortunately, the only one who was not abused or talked down to like me and my other family members, this is not to be-little her struggles but it's frustrating that she was saying that our family is healthy when its furthest from that. it's a matter of perspective but she did not consider how me and my other sisters felt as she was mentioning 'the good things' my parents did to us.


what do you think qualifies as a good family? is it something defined by their wealth and how they spend it on a child, or is it something about how they deal with problems, a mix of both or something completely related, please share your opinion with me !