PassionNerd

I think we really should understand Tae’s character more to understand his decisions. Let me explain.
Human psychology is complicated and Tae is one of the people whose actions/decisions are caused by a lot of intertwined factors at play. It’s just that u have to understand him & his situation from the start to really make sense of Tae’s decisions. Sure, I can totally get the hate on Ilay (I even agree), but Tae??? No way! I analyzed Ilay’s psychology previously, tho I never defended Ilay’s actions.
But Tae?? I’m totally defending Taeui!

I may not agree with every decision Tae made, and I would have done things differently (as me) but I at least understand Tae’s decisions from his POV. Sit down, it’s gonna be a long one.
• “Tae srly told Ilay the ‘truth’ just from one smile???”
When Tae said: “‘Could there really be someone who smiles so joyfully the moment they see him?” And told him the truth….
That smile held so much more meaning for Tae instead of just being persuaded by the ‘beauty’ of that smile. That smile did push him to tell the truth after lots of hesitation. In the novel, there’s A LOT MORE conflict in Tae’s thoughts. Note that, Tae specifically mentioned that: ‘It resembled the smiles during the time he reunited with Ilay at Rahman’s villa.’

Try seeing it from the POV of a guy who has always been undervalued all his life, getting used to being constantly compared to Jae (It’s not Jae’s fault), feeling mediocre, used by ppl for benefits, used by his own uncle, always unlucky, never getting recognized for being his own person, living in his family member’s shadows, getting shunned and beaten by colleagues…To the point where He developed low self-esteem and would always refer to himself as average from a young age.

Ilay was arguably the first person to approach Tae without caring about Jae or Tae’s uncle. Tae saw how Ilay threw away everything just for him as who he was, not anybody’s lucky charm or nephew. (Ofc Ilay had hurt him too, but Tae never justified his actions nor forgot it. I'll explain soon) Throughout the story, He always remembers and will always hate what Ilay did; he never thinks he himself deserved it either, but parts of Ilay as a person still made Tae feel so valued. (It fulfilled his emotional needs)

From his POV, imagine how valued an undervalued guy felt when ‘the inhumane Ilay’ smiled so widely just from merely seeing him? (At Rahman’s villa) And how just from Tae saying “I’m urs.” earned him the same smile from back then? Ilay’s smiles showed how much the inhumane Ilay changed for him and how much Ilay values him, even though Ilay can’t express himself verbally. He liked how, for the first time in his life, his existence felt so valued by S. 1, and he could see Ilay’s feelings for him reflected in that exact smile. But He didn’t dismiss or forgive the rape either, nor did he justify it.

• “Wdym, he didn’t forgive Ilay? He totally did!”

Might seem that way, but he never did. (A lot of Tae's spiraling thoughts are cut, but it’s not the manhwa’s fault bc it’s hard to adapt every detail.)The answer needs ppl to understand Tae’s mindset /nature/upbringing/coping mechanism… (I'll explain soon)
In the novel, Tae told Ilay the ‘truth’ seeing how desperate Ilay seemed (explained in the last comment). As soon as Tae said it, Tae felt a faint surge of ‘frustration’ and ‘anger’ again (about the rape), but then he said:
“Whatever, let’s just…let it go.”

• “ Tf u mean ‘let’s just let it go’? Tae forgave the rape like it’s nothing???”

Let’s understand why he ‘lets things go,’ but I will first answer that Tae didn't forgive the rape.[Minor spoiler] Tae, still to this day, hated what Ilay did to him, but he chose not to think about it as a way to cope with the ‘pain’. I guess u could say he let it go for a while, but the painful memories will always pop up throughout the sequels. You know why I said that? Bc…

Even in the sequels, he will always bring it up. Tears would well up, and he would get really depressed QUICK whenever he thought about the past incidents. Before you victim-blame, understand that the reason he let things go bc it actually has a lot to do with Tae’s nature, coping mechanisms, and his upbringing:

1/ He constantly feels pain/undervalued all his life. He learned to cope with pain by pushing it away bc he will always feel pain regardless of his will(Uncle forcing him, Ilay mentally/physically tormenting him since UNHRDO, shunned & beaten by colleagues, getting betrayed by the people he loves…etc).

Therefore, he learned to accept the miserable, flawed world he’s living in. He just copes with the harsh reality by pushing away the harshness of it to ‘survive’. Tae has to learn to cope with things bc can you imagine Tae being constantly depressed in his miserable life, not being able to push away pain and trauma?
It would be a suicide story then, ngl.

Tae was written to be a mentally strong character who’s supposed to thrive to survive in his miserable life. And this story’s title literally translates to “suffering”. A book that tells the tale of Tae’s suffering. (Even Ilay later said that, in terms of mental strength, Tae was stronger than him.) Even when Tae can't help liking Ilay while also about to burst out crying bc of what Ilay did to him, he has to push his mind to let things in the past go bc he can’t change it nor can he torture himself by mulling over it.

2/ He doesn't just let things go with Ilay; this applies to almost everyone. Even with his uncle who used him, he still holds a grudge, but he would prefer not to think about it and find the chance to make them pay later. Also with Xinlu, who hired a sniper to kill him, too.

3/ Tae’s always been the type to focus on the present instead of the past or future. (Go back to when Ilay said Tae’s frontal lobe might be damaged and his uncle actually described Tae that way.) He can't change the past, so he’d rather not think about it bc it only pains him. I mean…his past is painful, his future looks bleak…can you blame him??? Maybe beer also helped dull his mind from the harsh reality too.

4/ Remember: He said he hates people’s actions sometimes, but rarely the person themselves. He’s a people lover, who loves and understand human’s flaws/ nature very well. Ever since the start of the story, Tae empathized with everybody, not just Ilay alone.(Ilay, Xinlu, Tae’s colleagues...) That’s why I said he never forgave nor forgot what Ilay did, but he chose to stay with Ilay and try his best to change him as a person bc he understood that Ilay was an inhumane psycho from the beginning. Tae saw the potential in Ilay’s growing humanity and has always been the type to take things upon himself to fix what he could. (Applies to other people too)

5/ Tae still has a life to live, and the things he wanted to do aligned with Ilay’s in the first place (since the confession: wanting to be with him).
It just so happened that Ilay didn’t hear him yelling that he’ll be back; Tae had to save Jae, and Ilay felt betrayed and used, so things unfortunately went awry. Tae made up his mind and already accepted the future hardship he would face with Ilay. So he just goes along with it bc from his POV, why make things harder by making himself miserable thinking about what Ilay did when he still has to repay Ilay and already decided things a long time ago. (AGAIN, HE NEVER FORGAVE HIM.)

• “Wdym Tae didn't forgive him? He went with Ilay!”

Tae didn't choose to go with Ilay just bc ‘he let things go,’ or he forgave him.
It takes a lot more than that. Going with Ilay didn't mean he forgave or forgot what Ilay did; there are actually a lot of factors at play that made him choose to go back to Ilay;
1/ He promised to pay back the debt he owed to Ilay. Remember that Ilay said:
“As much as I risked for you, I’ll make sure to collect it from you.”

Tae had always planned to pay it back since the call. Tae only GET TO pay it back after what Ilay had done. Tae’s not the type to neglect his responsibilities or break his promise.

2/Tae’s initial goal aligned with Ilay’s, so resisting wasn’t going to do him any good. As I explained earlier, the situation turned unfortunate. That’s why Tae said the ‘situation was unfair’ and Tae said he himself ‘didn’t’ deserve it. But since his mind was already made up long ago, he considered it the hardship he had to go through for the decision he made to go back to Ilay.

3/ During a conversation with Xinlu, Tae said:
“I have to pay back what he lost and what he did because of me.”

Meaning that he felt responsible for the whole thing that happened when he asked Ilay to get him out. It might sound ridiculous to some, thinking that Tae is a victim who feels guilty about the abuser’s actions (Ilay), but I would argue that it’s just Tae’s nature. For example:
+In ch. 101, when Ilay warned Tae not to meet Xinlu, Tae retaliated, saying he felt responsible for Xinlu becoming miserable in his job, leading him to quit.
Therefore, He doesn't just feel responsible for Ilay but also for plenty of others. Tae has always been that way. When he felt the need to help or be responsible for s.1/sth, he took it upon himself to make it right/repay it.

4/ Ch. 101, talking with Xinlu, Tae said sth about:
“Becoming Ilay’s weakness.” And in ch.145 Tae said sth about: “To protect innocent people from getting hurt, he has to take charge of looking after Ilay.”
Tae meant that he would hold his inhumanity down and make him suffer by having a weakness. (Using Ilay’s humanity for Tae against Ilay)

It’s more about Tae as a people lover and would always want to save ppl even back in UNHRDO. (Even strangers). Remember when he pointed a gun at Ilay to save a random dude? Yeah, that’s just how he is. U see how many ppl’s lives he saved as Ilay’s assistant instructor? Tae has this moral obligation to help keep Ilay’s inhumanity under control using Ilay’s humanity for Tae and using Tae’s ‘Tact’.

5/Tae’s feelings for Ilay have compounded since long ago, and so have Ilay’s. Realizing Ilay’s feelings for him and seeing Ilay’s effort to change himself just for Tae was the ultimate thing that made Tae unable to help but like that part of Ilay, even when he also hated what Ilay did. Tae felt genuinely so valued for the first time as who he was.

Tae is a people lover; he loves people and understands people very well, which makes it harder for him to hate people. (Ex: his colleague who shunned and beat him) Tae understood Ilay’s nature so well; he kept feeling bad for Ilay even when he sometimes hated Ilay, too. Notice how Tae said he hated Ilay’s actions, not the person? That’s Tae’s nature at play.

• [Conclusions]
It’s not as simple as “He’s dumb.” Type shyt. Ppl around him hide stuff from him all the time and keep him in the dark; Ilay is incredibly hard to read too, so everything IS SUPPOSED to be confusing for him.

It’s quite unfair to judge his decisions without actually considering or understanding Tae’s character as a whole and his situation. Reading from a character’s POV requires the reader to put themselves in the character’s shoes. Though one may not agree with their decisions, one should at least understand them. When u judge a person for their behavior, you should ask what options they have. It’s not like Tae wasn’t thinking at all; he was spiraling the whole time.

• “So then, will Ilay suffer for what he did?”
The answer kind of depends on whether you count only the end of book 1 or include all of the sequels.

• [If we think about all the sequels]:
[General ideas of the sequels spoiler]
Then I would argue that Ilay does suffer throughout the story Eps in the sequels, but not in the sense that people would normally expect or in a typical Black Flag apology type. He suffered the worst punishment for him as ‘Ilay’. Killing or torturing Ilay won’t even make the guy flinch. Throwing him in prison is impossible (The story’s setting is technically about corruption and about people who are ‘above’ the laws) The best punishment for Ilay is to hold Ilay’s humanity for Tae against Ilay and make him suffer mentally. (But it’s unfair because Tae has to suffer, too) Read the sequels, and you’ll get what I mean.

• [If we count only in book 1]:
[Next chapter spoiler]
Unfortunately, no. Tae chose to go with Ilay in the end; there’s a time-skip afterward and side stories. Understandably, people might not like what Tae did and expect a redemption arc from Ilay (including me). I wanted Tae to get a proper apology, honestly. I’m still, to this day, pissed off at Ilay, but I read the sequels for Tae.

•[Opinion]
Maybe there are other factors that I haven’t mentioned or may have missed. I guess I’ll reread the novel again. I think this story’s characters’ psychology is so so interesting to analyze, and the characters are consistent with their nature instead of just ‘changing overnight’. The characters fit well in the environment they’re in, too. And I think this story is just getting started at the end, eps Iltae’s relationship progression.

There’re many details in Ilay’s words. That guy has actually been desperate the whole time. Btw, Ilay even nodded too. I think people might have missed a lot of details. Let me explain.

Wanna make it fully clear that I'm not going to justify anything; I'm just explaining details.
[There will be details from the novel(already released chapters in Manhwa), and there are no spoilers u have to worry about.]
• [Ilay’s words]
When Ilay said: “Because, this time, I really did intend to kill you completely…swallowing you whole so you could never escape from me ever again." (Though the novel put it a bit differently, it doesn’t differ much.)

In the novel, Tae described it as: ‘Ilay showed no sign of regret or remorse for those thoughts. He could truly, without hesitation, do it with a calm expression whenever he felt like it.’ Tae was hesitating: ‘Is this really okay?’ Then Ilay said:
“So, there won’t be a third time. On the third time, I really will kill you. So don't do it… Please."

Actually, all the things he said above weren’t supposed to be a threat. 1/ The first few sentences (kill/eat) were supposed to reflect the intensity of his inhumane side at the time. What Ilay wanted to say was that he was really struggling to hold back his inhumanity using his humanity for Tae this time.

By ‘This time’ he was referring to how hard it was to control his urges( inhumane side) to kill and that the ‘2nd runaway’ was more serious than the ‘1st’ time. The 1st time was bearable and he was quickly able to let go of the thought of killing since he thought Tae left him bc Tae ‘HATED HIM’, but the 2nd time was the hardest to control since he thought Tae left him by deceiving him saying: “Maybe, I liked you?” and broke his promise after Ilay risked everything fully trusting Tae’s words.

His inhumane side was probably like this: “The 1st time was because ‘u hated me’! I understood that, BUT this time, I went and risked everything bc u said ‘you liked me’! But u were just deceiving me to run to Xinlu?”
Hence, his inhumanity was harder to control.

2/ The next sentences (begging) actually referred to how little confidence he felt about keeping his inhumanity in control again. He actually tried really hard to stop his urge to kill Tae the whole time(I’ll explain), but it’s also extremely hard to battle his inhumanity when he’s so angry about being deceived and used. Even so, when he met Tae for real, a part of Ilay couldn't and didn't want to kill Tae, so he tried his best to stop the urges.

•[Minor spoiler: Ilay’s Colleague POV]
After Ilay fell off his bike, Ilay’s colleague said Ilay kept fiddling with his gloves for a long time then shoved them into the hardest-to-reach corner of his bag. It shows how Ilay knew how furious he was and knew that he might lose control & regret it, so he tried to purposely make it harder for himself to kill Tae. My theory during my last post was that he also used his gloves to shove in Tae’s mouth, serving as friction to stop himself from reaching for his gloves to kill Tae as he also didn’t want Tae to deceive him again. (Explained in depth in the last post: Part 2)

3/Therefore, Ilay who thought Tae ‘didn’t like him back’ and thought Tae would run again begged Tae not to run away again bc he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself again. The side of Ilay that held affection for Tae desperately doesn’t want that to happen at all. Honestly, seeing his face, u can barely tell that he’s desperate since he’s so good at controlling his expression. Ilay didn't even mean to beg, but his desperation came out eventually at the end.

If Ilay knew how to express himself better, he would say this: “ Tae, I almost wanted to kill and devour you…I srly almost did that to you…I couldn’t control my anger…” “I barely managed to hold myself back from doing such a thing to you.” “I don’t want to do that to you…I know you don't like me back but please don't run away again… don’t make me do it. I really might kill you next time; I don’t think I can control myself the third time…Please.” (But that won't be Ilay.)
•[Extra: Tae’s reaction]
Just so you know, in the novel, Tae said he was fully aware that it (‘please’)would be mundane for everyone else, but he couldn’t help but laugh. (If you know Ilay…then yeah. When I first read it, I was like: “‘Please’??? Did I read that wrong?”)
•[Theory on Ilay’s reaction to the truth]
Tae then told Ilay the truth seeing how desperate Ilay seemed (I’ll explain more soon). As soon as Tae said it, he said he felt a faint surge of frustration and anger again, but… “Whatever, let’s just let it go.” (I’ll explain this one in another post; don’t get mad at Tae.)

U may think Ilay's expression was somewhat not extreme but, in the novel, Tae described Ilay’s reaction as:
“His expression was extremely peculiar. It was as if he had heard something utterly bizarre. He looked at Tae with a face that was hard to describe. As Ilay’s strange gaze bore down on him.”

Ilay is the type who barely has an extreme reaction; that face was him being ‘shocked’. The artist portrayed his expression perfectly according to his character. Tae added “I'm not lying.” bc he thought Ilay didn’t believe him. That small text next to his shocked face translated to “nodded” (Tho, Tae said it was very subtle). Tae then said: “Maybe Ilay already knew he wasn’t lying & was shocked or Ilay was thinking about sth else.”
• [Theory on the call’s confession]
U know why Ilay easily believed Tae’s truth? Ilay is actually extremely good at distinguishing lies from the truth from Tae’s tone alone. Also! Remember the call? When Ilay heard Tae’s confession, he likely knew from Tae’s voice alone that Tae wasn’t forcing it (or lying) or being sarcastic like usual, and that Tae was being genuine. Tae’s original intention was to confirm Ilay’s feelings and tell him his own feelings, but Tae said he never actually confessed and said Ilay interpreted it as a confession. BUT Ilay still knew what Tae wanted to say even if Tae said it quite differently than what Tae intended. That’s why Ilay interpreted it as a confession bc he could tell.

Even now Ilay knew Tae wasn’t lying. But now that he knows the truth, he probably thought back about the call and how he was correct about it being genuine. He also realized he wasn’t being deceived by Tae. He was silent for a while still processing everything, but there’s probably more to his thoughts. (Let me explain.)

• “What does Ilay mean by ’As much as I staked for you’?”
After being quiet for a while, Ilay suddenly said:
"As much as I put up (staked) for you.” "The amount I risked for you. Just give me that much in return."

U may see that he’s calm and collected while bringing up the debt, but while he was silent, he ‘probably’ thought about the shyt he did to Tae after hearing the truth, and he might have thought that Tae wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I think he likely panicked inside (I’ll explain soon) then he looked up at Tae suddenly, then said “As much as I put up for you.” Ilay suddenly brought up the promise that Tae was supposed to make up for.
At the time, I thought, why didn’t he ask about Tae’s feelings first eps after hearing the truth? Why bring up the debt? Normally one would ask “U didn’t deceive me? Or “So you actually like me?” (The call confession). (I’ll explain this soon)

In the novel, Tae specifically said Ilay’s voice sounded calm and casual while bringing up the debt. He was likely trying to sound demanding like usual without seeming desperate, so that Tae wouldn’t refuse to pay him back and stay with him. Why did I think he was desperate? Let me explain.
Bc after Ilay said that, Tae asked him back:
"…That amount you're talking about, it’s not too big, right?"
In the manhwa, most can’t really tell from his smile after Tae asked that, but the novel specifically described:
‘At Tae’s word, a deep smile spread across Ilay's face. It was a thick, broad smile, as if he might ‘burst out laughing’ at any moment.’

I definitely think he was panicking bc Ilay’s calm, nonchalant face ‘suddenly’ lit up and smiled so wide realizing that Tae would stay by his side. (Equals to ‘repaying him’) If Tae didn’t want to repay, Tae would say: “Then what about what u did to me?” But Tae’s a responsible person, so he asked ‘how big the debt was’ to pay it back.

Tae’s question, to Ilay, confirmed that Tae intended to repay Ilay back and not ditch him. And that’s exactly what Ilay wanted. (Want Tae to stay) That’s the most reasonable conclusion I can come up with to explain why Ilay’s face suddenly lit up.
(Rick, don't you think the first thing to say is to apologize?? What’s with the ‘holding his debt against him to prevent him from leaving me’ response? That mf)
• “Why did Ilay give him a ‘strange look’?”
+Tae then said: "You must have lost so much (a lot) because of me."
The look he gave Tae at the end was supposed to be a ‘strange look’. In the novel, it said that Ilay had a strange look on his face for just a moment. Ilay then muttered ‘faintly’ almost to himself:
“Yeah, just give me that much. ...It might be a bit ‘overwhelming’ for you, but I’ll accept it anyway.”
•“What did he mean by ‘overwhelming’?”
Although Ilay was happy that Tae would be by his side, Ilay thought about how Tae said “So much/ A lot” when referring to what Ilay lost (Tae’s debt). Ilay probably thought that Tae was burdened by the sheer amount of it. I think he felt guilty about it being a debt relationship, but at the same time, he doesn’t want Tae to leave him. And it’s not like he can demand Tae to like him after what he did to Tae either. Ilay likely meant that being with him is HARD and it’s especially UNDESIRABLE after what he did to Tae, so that’s why he said “It’s a bit overwhelming.” It’s less about what Ilay lost, more about the difficulty of staying with him. (repaying him by staying with him)

Remember how I said I was curious why he never asked to confirm Tae’s feelings again? It’s probably bc he was conflicted about Tae’s feelings eps after what he did. And he’s not confident enough to ask Tae either. Ilay thought Tae might have changed Tae’s feelings for him. If it means that Tae will be with him, Ilay would rather accept it as a debt-repayment relationship than an actual two-way affectionate one. (Tae actually does like him; Ilay just doesn’t ask bc he’s afraid so instead accepted it as is. Hence Ilay said “I’ll accept it anyway.”

•[Minor Spoiler alert: u can skip this part if u want]
Ilay actually continued to believe Tae never really liked him even after YEARS (approx. 5y) of living together until they accidentally cleared the misunderstanding. He thought Tae stayed with him as a repayment, accepted it, and was so confused when Tae said he liked him. Tae actually says ‘I like you’ every time they do it but Ilay thought it was just what people often say during intercourse. He didn’t know Tae liked him all this time. Bro was so happy like VERY! He kept asking “REALLY? U LIKE ME??? oh…”
• [Correction]
The last name part was supposed to be “I’ll change my last name!” Likely referring to changing his name and run away again. But Ilay responded with “Taeui Riegrow”. (A spoiler to their future wedding anniversary, I see…)
[Conclusion]
Keep in mind, I might not be all correct. And u may not understand some parts I mentioned, so I suggest u go to my profile to read my past analysis.