Talk To Yourself

I just wanna say that im doing this cause I am just slowly losing it and have thought about this for YEARS now, but what I saw today confirmed everything I needed to know.

im not lonely, I have friends but I never had a best friend, I never had a friend they called me 'their number one' I have always been the floater friend, the backup, the boring one, the one with strict parents, the wanna be. Literally everything but what I wanted to be.

I graduated from high school in December and university was in march, from those 3 months, I had hung out once, and it was a childhood friend who suddenly remembered me cause her own best friend turned out to be shit. Since then I haven't hung out with her (it was in feb) We barely message and she has her own group of people, so I don't push myself onto her. We drifted because after primary school, we both went to different schools, so it made sense at the end.

However, the friends I made in my own school, it's a kinda big group? mainly 7 girls, but I had my own friend, but I noticed within the last two years, she slowly distanced herself from me, like she was preparing to leave the moment we graduate. And I was right, she stopped talking to me, barely; because I asked to hang out and she gave me an open answer. Since then nothing.

the group Im friend with, has their own GC without me, and always plans things without ever telling me. I always made excuses in my head saying, 'oh its because of this or this'

They still talk to me, but it's like it's almost out of pity? they don't actually like me for being me. Why is it when I want a friend to call my own, they never want the same for me. Uni is worse too, they don't want a best friend or a life friend, they just want a uni friend, a classmate, nothing more nothing less.

I hate this, am I doing something wrong? I try my best with everything, I plan hangouts, I try to message everyday, I wish I can just have a friend that isn't just a 'friend' but someone I can call if something good happens in my life, or when I have a birthday, they'll come without expectation.

I tried making a birthday 3 times (16,17,18) but most bailed on me, saying they're busy. And I cried on those years. Im so sick of this, am I the problem? please, I sometimes feel so alone in my own world, being alone is great sometimes but its a pain most of the time, I missed my teenage life and now im young adult too, why can't I just have something for myself for once

I have always been a loner since I was young, I never made friends, I didn't talk until I was in school, I always was an anxious kid. I feel like my mum is my only friend but then again, it's feel like she loves me as her kid and not for me.

im sorry for this stupid rant, I needed this off my chest. its going to be so cringe in a day or two.