Life Changing Stuff

this is just really whats going on in my mind rn sorry </3

1: idk why im such a stubborn bitch but whenever tell me to kill myself i get all like "no fuck you" and my suicidal tendencies go away for like a week but when someone says "hey dont kill yourself you'll regret it :(" its the most unhelpful thing. hen i was 11 and DIDNT kill myself, that is the most regretful thing ive done in my life

2: sad songs make me SO depressed especially love songs sung by lgbt creators

3: does anyone else hurt when you're sad and you laugh at something? like its happened more than twice

now for no reason at all im going to put down my coping mechanisms
-Overeating fruits(normally oranges, plums, and sometimes grapes)
-Listening to koi by mafumafu and soraru(this is most likely just a me thing because of the good memories it holds

also before you bash me and say some shit like "and why did you post this here?" it feels better when i write things down in open forums/talk to other people. I've tried writing in a diary before or something like that and it makes me feel stupid and vulnerable. i write it down here bc i can expect some answers :)